Hussein Memorial Service Well Attended

Articles

Wesley Mills

Hussein Memorial Service Well Attended
Sept 20, 2003

And now the latest edition of the Birkenstock Review, hot off the presses! (Printed with soy ink of course!)

THE BIRKENSTOK REVIEW

HUSSIEN MEMORIAL SERVICE WELL ATTENDED

Yesterday's Hussein memorial service was attended by most of the town. Several business closed up shop and went to the service to pay their respects to Uday and Qsay Hussein. Faith Tradition Leader at the First Humanist Congregational Church, M.T. Creed said, "I was not surprised by the turnout. Everyone knows that these poor boys were gunned down in cold blood by George Bush, that war criminal!" The service started with a moment of silence that lasted 5 minutes and then a video remembrance montage that lasted 1/2 hour. Finally, the attendees all lit candles and sang while passing around a large bong. Birkenstock's Mayor said that he would like to make the day a "day of mourning" to be observed every year. He will present this idea before the city council next week.

ALL PINE TREES FOUND TO BE HURTFUL AND HATEFUL

The City Council voted yesterday that all pine trees are to be removed from Birkenstock because they are an insensitive symbol of religion. In a 13 to 0 vote the council approved plans to cut down and burn every pine tree in our city. The burning ceremony will take place at the town square next Friday. (You are encouraged to bring any religious literature you have. Kindling is needed.) City Councilperson Acrid Ataxia said, "We all know that pine trees are used for X-mas trees. Religion is in itself a hateful, hurtful thing and we certainly don't need to be reminded of it. People's faith traditions should not be shoved down other people's throats and growing pine trees is doing just exactly that!"

DEBATE CONTINUES OVER NAMES FOR THE DAYS OF THE WEEK

The debate continues over what to call the days of the week. Certainly, what they are now called will never do. The City Council has already passed a resolution to outlaw the traditional names. City Councilperson Pryer Vain said, "We all know that the days of the week have religious connotations. This will never do in an enlightened society such as ours. How could we say that there is separation of church and state while we continue to call days by their hateful religious names. I can't imagine how many people are daily assaulted just by the utterance of these names. Something must be done." The Council is asking for ideas for new names. So far they have decided to rename Sunday and Monday. These days will now be called Marxday and Castroday.

MAN ARRESTED AFTER SHOPLIFTING INCIDENT

A Birkenstock store owner, I. M. Proffet, was arrested yesterday after he apprehended a shoplifter in his store trying to take beer without paying for it. Chief of Police, Feral Press responded to the store and immediately arrested the shop owner. He said, "The only crime committed her was the fact that this capitalist pig shop owner was attempting to make a profit on what he was selling. It is not the fault of the shoplifter that the prices in this shop were way too high. The poor guy needed some beer and he was not comfortable paying the prices that Mr. Proffet was charging. Who can blame him really? The real blame belongs on society. He should not have been made to feel like he should have to pay for something that he needed. How insensitive!" The shop owner will most likely have to undergo 132 weeks of "sensitivity training".

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About the author: Wesley Mills is a full time student and a writing instructor. He enjoys writing and helping others write. He welcomes any questions or comments you may have about his articles and encourages debate. Please e-mail him at wmills1@esc.edu.

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