The News from Birkenstock 2

Articles

Wesley Mills

The News from Birkenstock 2
Sept 20, 2003

Greetings from sunny Birkenstock, New Yorkifornia! Here's some more news from the Utopia in which I live:

BIRKENSTOK MANACLE REVIEW (All the News That’s Inapt to Publish)

BIRKENSTOCK TOWN COUNCIL PASSES KINDERGARTEN FREE TRADE AGREEMENT

The town council voted unanimously to pass the Kindergarten Free Trade Agreement last night. The Council Chairperson, Pridy Dicty said that it was high time that Kindergarteners learned how to trade fairly. The issue was laid on the table when a citizen of African descent complained that her son was not treated fairly during a recent trading of lunch substances at in the school cafeteria. Her son, Mark Pawn was apparently traded a "snack pack" pudding for his potato chips. This was the extent of the trade. "We all know that this is not fair," his mother stated. "He should have received a snack pack, a banana and a sticker or something." According to her an item for item trade is not right. The Reverend Flossy Sham reportedly called the school and threatened to march around the school unless something was done. The new measure assures that all exchanges will be politically correct from now on. According to the measure, all people of non- white non-European descent or all peoples of "differing sexual orientation" in pre-school or Kindergarten, will receive the following in trades from one child to another:

If the minority child trades an item in the left- hand column he shall receive:

1) Pudding: 3 Items of equal or higher quality.
2) Fruit: 2 Items " "
3) Sandwiches: 2 Items " "
4) Plush Toys: 3 Items " "
5) Regular Toys: 2 Items " "
6) Candy Bars: 4 Items " "
7) Hard Candy: 2 Items " "

Of course, if a non-minority child trades an item in the left-hand column he shall receive a liverworst sandwich. Any trade initiated must be accepted. It's only fair.

Minority Leader Retral Avail said, "This is just one more great victory for minorities here in Birkenstock!" Birkenstock Mayor Richard Cranium is expected to sign the measure into law tomorrow.

VISITING CHEF SENTENCED TO 3 YEARS IN PRISON FOR EGG INCIDENT

A visiting Chef, Less Guile was arrested and sentenced to 3 years in prison yesterday after he added eggs to a recipe he was making. When taken before Birkenstock Judge Candor Bender he was heard to say, "I know that your community does not allow the eating of meat, but I did not know that you forbade eggs!" Judge Bender then responded, "Eggs are a potential chicken! I don't care what you did or did not know! You murdered another animal! I hope that you think about that for the next three years!" The Birkenstok Review attempted to reach prosecutor Asperse Swayed but he was away on business in Washington, where he is testifying before Congress in favor of a new pro-choice bill.

BIRKENSTOCK LIBRARIAN "EMBARASSED" OVER BOOK

A Birkenstock librarian, Non Pliable, said that she was embarrassed yesterday when a book that she ordered for the library turned out to be a hate-filled anthology written by dead white men. Ms. Pliable said that she must have clicked on the wrong item when ordering books from the Internet. The book, The Norton Anthology, contains several hundred articles from such bigots as, George Washington, Jonathan Edwards, Ben Franklin, Herman Melville, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway, and Nathaniel Hawthorne. Said Ms. Pliable, "We certainly don't need bigots such as these gracing our library shelves, I can't believe that I ordered such a thing. I shrieked in horror when I opened the box. I immediately called the police bomb squad who gladly took it outside and blew it up. Thank my higher power for them!"

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About the author: Wesley Mills is a full time student and a writing instructor. He enjoys writing and helping others write. He welcomes any questions or comments you may have about his articles and encourages debate. Please e-mail him at wmills1@esc.edu.

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