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Sept 20, 2003 Greetings from sunny Birkenstock, New Yorkifornia! I thought that I would share the news with you from today's local fish wrap. It is always good to know what is going on in other places! BIRKENSTOK MANACLE REVIEW (All the News That’s Inapt to Publish) HURRICANE IS CAPITALIST PLOT! The hurricane that is blowing through Birkenstock has been discovered to be a capitalist plot. Those poor people who do not live in a peace loving, wealth sharing, utopia like Birkenstock, will suffer the ravages of this hurricane and more than that, they will then suffer the ravages of the local capitalist pigs that will charge them money to fix-up and clean up the mess that the Hurricane made. Home centers everywhere will be selling products for PROFIT. This can only mean one thing: Somehow George Bush and his Rebuplican cronies have figures out a way to conjure up a hurricane. Suzanne Creed-Rancor, our community Emergency Response Chairperson said, "We will do all we can to deal with this latest Republican hate outburst! We have an emergency plan in effect where all homes will be rebuilt. Of course, anyone who had a home that was larger or better than their neighbors will have to 'donate' their unfair portion of rebuilding monies to others who were not as fortunate as they." As for dealing with the Republican plot, Birkenstock Mayor Richard Cranium said, "We have contacted the ACLU and we plan to sue for an injunction as soon as tomorrow to stop this storm. We also plan to file papers that will force all home centers and other suppliers to donate any needed items. We cannot believe that any company would profit from this or any other conjured catastrophe. Those companies are RICH! Not only that but did you know that a lot of Republicans are Do-It-Yourselfers? You connect the dots. What other proof do we need that this storm is a plot?" The Birkenstok Manacle Review attempted to contact the Birkenstock Republican spokesperson, Burgher Cretin but he was not available. MAN JAILED 5 YEARS FOR HIS HATEFULL BUMPER STICKER A passer-through was arrested on Wednesday and was sentenced to 5 years in prison after police observed a hateful bumper sticker on his car. Local Birkenstock officer Feral Press saw the bumper sticker, which read "Nuke The Whales", and he immediately pulled the man over and arrested him. The offender, Guy Meager was immediately taken to trial before Judge Candor Bender who said that she has "Never in all her years on the bench seen anyone with such a hateful statement publicly stationed on his or her vehicle!" Meager asked for an attorney but was denied one because, "There was no defense for his crime" said Prosecutor Asperse Swayed. Just a bit of the news from Birkenstock. Remember: Live Politically Correct Or Die!! ------------ About the author: Wesley Mills is a full time student and a writing instructor. He enjoys writing and helping others write. He welcomes any questions or comments you may have about his articles and encourages debate. Please e-mail him at wmills1@esc.edu. Comment on this column in the forum. Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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