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Apr. 8, 2003 Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, Iraq's Information Minister, has been busy spreading the information around, so to speak, in his country's war with Coalition Forces. Minister al-Sahaf granted an exclusive interview to Laughing Out Loud Journal to give us his views on the war. We caught up with the Information Minister (literally) as he was making an escape from another Coalition Bombing. LOL: As the Information Minister for a country at war, you must be very busy keeping the Iraqi citizens informed with the progress of the conflict. Please, give us your assessment of the war so far. al-Sahaf: The war is proceeding exactly as we desire. The British and American aggressors have moved throughout our great country precisely as we have intended. Now that we have drawn the Coalition forces into the positions that we have chosen, we are preparing to exploit their weaknesses. The Americans, they always depend on a method what I call ... stupid, silly. All I ask is check yourself. Watch and see that we will crush them like raw eggs. LOL: American Journalists are reporting massive destruction of Iraqi military complexes and personnel. Yet you maintain that the Iraqi army has the upper hand. What can you say about this? al-Sahaf: American Journalists are scoundrels, who only see what they wish to know. Be sure that the Iraqi people are safe and Baghdad is strong. LOL: American forces have been reported to be making regular incursions into the city of Baghdad. How is the Iraqi military dealing with this situation? al-Sahaf: There have been no so-called incursions into any part of Baghdad. And the superior might of the Iraqi Republican Guard has driven back out every one of those incursions. They have not remained within the city limits and they were never inside the city limits. LOL: But reports yesterday indicated that Coalition forces have taken control of one of the Presidential palaces in Baghdad. Do you deny these reports? al-Sahaf: Of course, I deny them. That is what I am paid for. The presence of American military in the palace is the result of our unconventional war tactics. We have appeared to give up control of the palace to lure the aggressors onto the complex grounds. Now Iraqi soldiers have surrounded the Americans on two sides and we have designated them prisoners of war. LOL: The Americans in the palace claim that they can come and go from there as they please. al-Sahaf: It does not matter. We still designate them prisoners of war. LOL: The Information Ministry has been unwilling to provide estimates of the number of Iraqi military casualties. What is the reason for this unwillingness? al-Sahaf: We have not been unwilling to release casualty numbers. There have been no numbers to report, because there have been no military casualties. The only Iraqis targeted by the Americans and the British have been civilians. The Coalition is afraid to face our brave warriors head-to-head, so they only attack civilians. This action is unconscionable. LOL: Then, perhaps we can discuss Iraqi prisoners of war. The Coalition has reported taking thousands of Iraqi soldiers as prisoners. Does the Iraqi Regime have any concerns with how they are being treated? al-Sahaf: We are unconcerned, because the Coalition has not captured any of our soldiers. LOL: Attempts have been made by the Americans to bomb buildings where Saddam Hussein was believed to be. Has Saddam survived these attacks? al-Sahaf: I have no knowledge of his whereabouts or his continued existence. However, he has directed me to tell the Iraqi people to take heart and rise up against the aggressors. Fight them by using your hands. Meanwhile, he is keeping himself safe by using his feet. LOL: Coalition forces have discovered several large stashes of gas masks and chemical protection suits at various locations throughout Iraq. Your government has repeatedly denied the existence of any weapons of mass destruction in the country. Are you still making that denial? al-Sahaf: Absolutely. And our weapons of mass destruction will continue not to exist until and unless we deem it necessary to use them against the Coalition, at a time and place of our choosing. LOL: Are you saying that Iraq posses no weapons of mass destruction but still may use them against the American and British military? al-Sahaf: That is correct. We remain a sovereign nation and will continue to do as we please. LOL: Then, exactly what is the purpose of the chemical protection suits that have been found? al-Sahaf: The items you refer to are not chemical protection suits. They are jumpsuits that our military personnel use when they are engaging in recreational activities. We are a regime dedicated to the well-being of our men in uniform. As Saddam Hussein has always maintained, "A healthy, happy, well-dressed, self- actualized soldier is an effective warrior." LOL: Many people throughout the world are accusing you of providing deliberate misinformation in your role as Information Minster. They accuse you of lies so obvious, that anyone can see they are false. How do you respond to these accusations? al-Sahaf: First, we are not spreading misinformation around like so much fertilizer. The Americans and the British are the true liars. The Iraqi military, I swear by God, has been taking these mercenaries, sent to their places by the renegades in Washington, and is preparing to overwhelm them to burn them. Now their shame is so great, that they must hide their embarrassing lives, so they lie. Second, even if we were to choose to lie, which we choose not to do, we would tells grand myths that would wake the American people at night in great fear of our mighty military strength. We learned how to do this from an American president. LOL: An American president? You mean George W. Bush? al-Sahaf: No. the other one. The one who forgot the meaning of the word is. About the author: Pepe is a writer, whose day job as a software engineer keeps him from writing as much as he wants. His work has appeared in several magazines and periodicals. His take on life sometimes gets him a little out of step with the rest of society, but he keeps marching in the parade. You can reach him at wrob@usa.com. ------------ Comment on this column in the forum. ------------ |
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