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June 2, 2003 Rarely do I find myself with nothing to do. I look at other people who sit around with a blank expression on their facevegging out.staring off into space and I get envious. I am truly unable to do that...I even think in my sleep! I would love to be able to sit and stare off into oblivion without a thought or care in the world, to escape somewhere and get away from myself and my life. Not that I have a bad life, I rather like it and all. I finally received my tax check and took care of all my financial things that were piling up but now I am back where I started. Course that doesnt mean my life is bad, its just a never-ending battle of stress, worry, and hoping to stay emotionally stable for another month. My mind is always churning and cranking. I dont remember the last time I had a moments peace and who knows when I will get to. As a writer I am always thinking up a story, words, a phrase, a title, characters, names, plots, themes, settings, genres, and poetry. As a mother I am always concerned with school projects, dressing my son appropriately, keeping up with homework, school events, food for lunches, lunch money, field trips, bus schedules, soccer schedules, upcoming camp sign ups, and laundry. As a mate I am concerned with where his keys, wallet, glasses, shoes, and papers are at. I have to keep tabs on what we are out of for the grocery store, a menu for the weeks meals, looking up recipes, clipping coupons, laundry, dishes, vacuum, trying to figure out how to make it look like Ive dusted, and hundreds of other things. For myself its staying committed to my diet, making sure I am making healthy choices, fitting in exercise, sending out thank you letters, keeping up with birthdays and anniversaries, oh the list can just go on and on. For everyone else they are thrilled with summer approaching. Sure, in many ways so am I but it also means when will I get to write? What will I do with my son? What camp is there? Getting things ready so we can go camping on the weekend, realizing my days of privacy are over, planning vacations, making the arrangements, checking for good deals, and making sure we have all the appropriate equipment and clothing. Personally I dont see where I ever have time to sit and stare blankly. If I did that I think I could say I had a real vacation. Again, I do like my life and love my family and most of the time I am happily writing (when I get acceptances) and I like myself. But even I need a moment where I am just me and can shut out the world. I dont even know how to go about doing that but I am willing to research it if need be! I sit here right now thinking to just be able to close my eyes and drift, to just let go of everything in my mind, to forget dates, times, appointments, writing projects, deadlines, if I mailed things out, do I have stamps, did I water the plants, someone somewhere is having a birthday, did I sent out all the thank you cards, have I written my parents lately, what else do I need to do, should I get the car washed, did my son study for his test, to forget it all for maybe fifteen minutes, well I would love that. But then I think will it all come rushing right back at me? Will I just plain forget it all? Will I have to start all over and do double thinking about everything? Will my head explode? I mean what will the consequences be if I just stop thinking? Other people seem to be able to, why cant I? Even sleep is not my friend. I wish I could say I get a lot of sleep but I dont, I am prone to insomnia as if it were a stylish thing. Sometimes the second I lay my head down I am consumed with brand new thoughts, as if I just tilted my head a little and brought a major imbalance to my brain and things that were tucked away have now spilled out and now I have THEM to deal with! How frustrating indeed! As I am writing this I am reminded of a few more things I need to do today. Have I taken vitamins, am I drinking enough water, have I fed the cats, and countless other things. On top of that my family is always asking me to remember stuff for them. Like hello, I must have a capacity up there and it must be at overload by now! I have to laugh about all the things that I remember! Trivia of Disney, movies, anything about the eighties, and anyone who has ever said a hurtful word to me make up my main memory bank. But trust me I have over a hundred file cabinets and most of them are useless information but its there, safe and secure. It doesnt always pay to have a good memory. Anyhow, I hope sometime this summer I can find a moment to break free and allow myself a little peace. I have tried yoga but have found that while Im breathing and moving into poses, I am still checking out the clock and hoping I can fit in another few minutes. And a story is always just a heartbeat away. ------------ About the author: Nancy Jackson is a full time author and poet with works in Literati, Twilight Times, Anotherealm, Sonny World, and various anthologies. Her pasttimes include spending time with her loved ones, drinking wine, and lots of writing! Email Nancy Jackson: coryann93@yahoo.com Comment on this column in the forum. ------------ |
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