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May 2, 2003 It is terribly frustrating. I have been going on now for quite some time about taxes/money/car needing to be fixed and well the other thing that needs fixing is one that I hadnt planned on. As wonderful as a relationship my sweetheart and I have, we still have our problems and I think all this interference from outside problems has slowly been seeping in. Fighting has become an every other day event, something we maybe did once a month. I notice our communication has gone down and our time together is certainly not quality time. So, last night I decided we needed to hold a little chitchat session, no fighting, simply talking. After he came home from work I slipped a little note under his plate and he quickly nodded his head. Walking around on eggshells in your own home just isnt the way to live, plus as a writer I find when I carry around too much emotional baggage, my writing is greatly affected. I wrote out a list of issues I felt needed to be addressed. I also decided to figure out a way to bring them up, not all of them at one time, but the more important ones that have the easiest solutions. It is very much like me to attack someone and let them know all the things they do wrong. I dont try to be mean, it just seems to be the way I was taught to communicate problems. So I know that is a serious downfall to our communication and I wanted our conversation to not have that attacking feeling. Because once I verbally attack him he instantly becomes defensive and pretty soon we have both lost our tempers and stopped listening to what the other is saying. Obviously nothing gets worked out there and in fact continues to build up with more problems because now you are hurt, angry, and so on. After reading my son to sleep, I came out, made tea, and sat on the couch. Its never easy to try and start a conversation, trying to find the best way to begin without making it sound like I am going to preach or lecture. I decided to start with a compliment of something he had been doing a great job at and went from there. An hour later I felt so much better. Finally we were able to hold a discussion and work out a few solutions. We actually have much more ground to cover but too much in one sitting is overwhelming and not very effective. It felt so comforting to see we can actually sit down like two adults and have a mature conversation where we both get a turn and the other respects each others words. Believe me it has been a while since we have done that. The rest of the evening was pleasant and I could stand to be around him. My shoulders felt like several layers of brick had been taken down and I dont feel like I am about to break every dish in the house(which of course I wouldnt because then Id have to buy new ones and that just goes back to the whole financial part). I learned several things though. Even as clearly as I think I am expressing my feelings, how someone else perceives my words is another matter entirely. Just because I get what I am spouting about doesnt mean the other person is taking it the way in which it was intended. That makes it both our responsibility to make sure we are taking the time to not just listen but ask questions to make sure we are hearing one another accurately. Personally I hate fighting. It is draining and for me it creates a lack of sleep and again my writing suffers. I write from my heart and what I know in my mind, both of which my relationship stems from. When they are out of whack then I can barely function let alone think straight. I have a great man and I know that. We both need to make sure we arent taking one another for granted just because we share the same house. I still want to be chased and wooed and dont want to settle into a humdrum routine where we barely mumble hello as we pass each other in the hall. To know that he cares just as much really felt freeing. I hold our relationships best interests at heart and when I see a potential problem I want to tackle it before it gets out of hand. Sometimes his focus on work doesnt allow him to see things going on in the background. Sort of like a DVD special features section. Youve seen the movie but now you get a peak into the outtakes or deleted scenes, maybe you go backstage, either way you catch a glimpse of something you were unaware of. The same thing was going on with us. His work took center stage and I was trying to wave the scenes he was unaware of in front of his face but he still couldnt see it and it became ugly. Once I was able to plan a special viewing night, I could let him on what has passed him by. Never underestimate the power of conversation. While relationships arent easy, they are worth the work. ------------ About the author: Nancy Jackson is a full time author and poet with works in Literati, Twilight Times, Anotherealm, Sonny World, and various anthologies. Her pasttimes include spending time with her loved ones, drinking wine, and lots of writing! Email Nancy Jackson: coryann93@yahoo.com Comment on this column in the forum. ------------ |
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