Phone Calls From The Edge

Articles

Michael F Russell

Phone Calls From The Edge
Mar 11, 2004

I'm a bit of an electronics buff and after I built my computer with pieces of toasters, hair dryers, a ceiling fan, a brass spittoon, and cell phones I found that every one in a while I could pick up cell phone conversations that you might not expect. Below is a brief example of interesting converasions I picked up from senator Kerrys' phone.

Kerry: "...that's the real reason I want to me president! I want to find out what those lying and cheating republicans have hiding at Area 51."

Campaign Aide: "Uh, sir, before we get into that shouldn't you be focusing on who you want for your vice presidential candidate? I have those numbers you wanted of the folks you were thinking about."

Kerry: "Fine, fine, fine! Say, you've never been abducted, have you? I mean, how bad are those probes? And what do you think of the idea to change my name to J. F. 'Kerri-dy'?"

Campaign Aide: "Uh, sir, try to focus on the calls you wanted to make."

Kerry: "Alright %$#@&*#$@! Gimme those numbers!"

Personal note, I won't repeat the numbers repeated for privacy reasons.

Kerrys' first call: "hello? Hello? I know you're there. I can hear you breathing. So? Do you wanna be my veep?

Dean: "YEEEAAARRGGHHHHHGGGGGG- WAAAAHHOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Kerry: "Forget it. Never mind."

Kerrys' second call: "Hi! Is this WBBP? My name is George Bush and I want to dedicate a song to Hillary. Can you play "My Little Sugerbumps"?

Kerrys' third call: "Please please pick up, pick up the phone..."

Hillary Clintons' answering machine: "Hi you've reached the last bastion of beauty and honesty. As the smartest woman in america I can assure you that I will remember to return your message that you leave after the beep, unless you are Bill. Then all I have to say is..."

Kerry: Hi sweetie! How's my little junior senator? Thought you'd like to get to the White House four years sooner. Give me a call back as soon as you can, please. Pleasepleaseplease!"

Kerrys' fourth call: "Al! Al Franken! Buddy! Just thought you'd be interested in hearing that I have you on my short list for veeps! The pay stinks and I'll be doing all the talking all the time but if you're interested give me a call! Uh, you haven't written any more books, have you? Bye!"

Kerrys' fifth call: "Look! I don't care if you ARE Sean Penn, I won't be your vice president! So stop calling ok?"

Kerrys' sixth call: "Look! I don't care if you ARE Ralph Nader, I won't be your vice president! So stop calling ok?"

Kerrys' seventh call: "I'm not too sure about this, I mean calling Satan is kinda creepy but if it worked for Bill then it might just work for me...hey the phone stopped ringing..."

Satans' answering machine: "Hi you've reached the last bastion of beauty and honesty. As the smartest woman in america I can assure you that I will remember to return your message that you leave after the beep, unless you are Bill. Then all I have to say is..."

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About the author: Mike Russell is a Ninja/fighter pilot/ astronaut with x-ray vision who likes to make up stuff about the author when his wife isn’t looking. Email Michael F Russell: mikerussellus@yahoo.com

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