They're Out To Get Me

Articles

Michael F Russell

They're Out To Get Me
Nov 19, 2003

Todays tale of dread is about viruses. Not the creepy ones found on the sci-fi channel or the ones invading our cities and homes but of the computer variety.

Two weeks ago my computer crashed. Initially I consulted with some friends and relatives who's first response was, "It's a virus!"

I replied with a' " Um, no. It's just that my hard drive crashed."

"It's a virus." They said again. Followed by, "You didn't send me any e-mail, did you?"

This brings me to another computer tale of angst that happened a few weeks ago. I was sitting at home, minding my own business (my liberal friends would call it spewing hatred to all good socialist peoples) when I received a call from a relative I will call 'Doris'. 'Doris' claimed that her new computer had broken down and that I needed to get to her house right away to see if I could fix it. Now, before I go any further, let me explain that 'Doris' and her husband (lets call him Pedro) 'Pedro' were not technologically advanced. As a matter of fact until recently they still thought that a 'hard drive' was something naughty and that a mouse was something the cat yarked up on your bed in the middle of the night.

Anyway, I arrived at 'Doris' and 'Pedros' house to find them in an extreme state of panic.

"We have a virus", they both chimed.

I took a close look at their computer and after several seconds of grueling trouble-shooting stated that their problem was because their monitor was turned off.

"No, no, no! We have a virus!" They both said again in a panicked tone.

I stated again that their problem was with their monitor, and I proved it by pushing a little button in the right hand corner of their monitor. The screen came on and showed all of us a bright and happy computer desktop image.

They said, "What are we going to do? We have a virus in our new computer! They have our information! They can use our credit cards! We're ruined!"

I asked if they had, at any time, typed in their credit card numbers into the computer.

"No! But that won't stop a good hacker. We've seen '60 Minutes', we know what has happened!"

'Pedro' took this opportunity to claim that this was the time to fight back. Now he was going to be a hacker, take peoples identities, just like they did to them. He was going to strike back and become a computer vigilante.

"Uh, but it was just that you had turned off your monitor.", I tried to reason.

But it was too late. By the time I left, they had put aluminum foil around their heads and wrapped their monitor is foil as well. They tried to put some around the dog but I don't think they caught him.

Which brings me to my little desktop computer. Which is quite fine right now thanks to some software upgrades that I bought.

All of this reminds me of the knee-jerk reactions that most people are having nowadays. A fire takes place and it's blamed on terrorists. A computer goes bad and we automatically blame it on computer hackers and viruses. There are still people out their who still think that the moon landings were a fake and just recently, there were several programs on who really killed J.F.K..

To finally clear the air and get the record straight let me share some information with you.

First off, the recent fires were caused by a disgruntled 'Smokey The Bear' who ran the Gary Coleman campaign in California.

Second, the computer viruses were caused by Hillary Clinton. The reason why, was because she's mean.

Third, the moon landings were a fake because of the lunar bases that the aliens have up there. They also have really tough fines for parking in a 'No Crater Zone".

And finally, it was a sicko with a rifle that did in a president.

If there are any questions or issues, then you had better be nice to me or I'll sick 'Pedro' the computer vigilante on you.

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About the author: Mike Russell is a Ninja/fighter pilot/ astronaut with x-ray vision who likes to make up stuff about the author when his wife isn’t looking. Email Michael F Russell: mikerussellus@yahoo.com

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