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Sept 8, 2003 CEREMONIAL FIRST PITCH I nervously toe the rubber and look for the catcher’s signal. I am about to propel the first pitch of this column towards home. All the anticipation and excitement of another beginning are mixed with trepidation. Will the reader appreciate such a column? The column is called “The Right-Hander” because it describes not only the means by which I hurl the ball but also my political leanings. I hope to make comments on both sports and current events through this medium and hopefully connect with readers in that way. If you do not love sports, a great deal of this column might leave you yawning. If you do not love America, it may often just plain burn your butt! Some columns may be primarily sports and some might be strictly political. We shall see how it goes, because some days I may not have my fastball and will have to get by with changing speeds and getting my curve over the plate. Just to make things clear, I am a white, middle aged male who is a patriot and a Christian, a Republican and an Army veteran who doesn’t give a hoot about Political Correctness. There are few days in which I have not spent some time connecting with both ESPN and FOXNews. However, I am not particularly angry and/or bitter about the state of the world. I am constantly amazed by the apparent stupidity of some of the policies espoused by left-leaning Democrats and disgusted by much of what goes on in this country, not to mention in the world at large. But I am an optimist and I believe we can make changes for the better. So, if Rush Limbaugh can comment on NFL football for ESPN and Dennis Miller can do a stint in the booth for Monday Night Football, I guess I can mix sports and political commentary, too. Hey, those guys are a lot better known, but I bet I can beat both of ‘em in a tennis match! DRIVING ME CRAZY Maybe Dr Timothy Leary found a way to insert large quantities of time-released LSD into the water table on the Left Coast. Maybe a constant occurrence of small ground tremors unbalances the brain. Is there no explanation at all for California? Here’s the latest: Illegal Alien Drivers Licenses! Gray Davis is one duck with a bad limp, so he is willing to try anything to save his butt up to and including signing a bill that would allow illegal aliens (illegal!) to sign up for and obtain a drivers license in the State of California. Check out the KTXL news site, http://fox40.trb.com/news/ktxl- 090203driverslicense,0,6207551.story?coll=ktxl- news-1 One Democrat explained that there were up to 2 million illegal immigrants driving without proper licenses already and that someone who wants to obtain a fake drivers' license can get one now on big-city street corners. Or, this quote from the KTXL news site: "I want to have everybody behind the wheel to have been tested and I want them to be carrying insurance," said Assemblywoman Jackie Goldberg, D-Los Angeles. "And I don't want any more of this foolishness that this is about homeland security. "What this is about is there are certain people you just don't want to have on the road, to have any rights," she told Republicans. "That is just wrong." Well, Jackie, it is not that we don’t want them behind the wheel. We don’t even want them at all. Because they are ILLEGAL! And the next DEMWIT* that accuses me of being a racist, I’ll hit him over the head with an Estrada! It’s not about race; it’s about law and wrong versus right. *Demwit. (noun). A Democrat that is a kind of dim bulb, or dimwit. Hence, DEMWIT! RAM ON! You may not remember the rather obscure song from Paul McCartney’s “Ram” album, but it is rather appropriate for football season. “Give your heart to somebody, soon, right away!” For better or worse, this longtime Bear fan is also going to root very hard for the St. Louis Rams. I am a sucker for the whole Kurt Warner story and I am very fond of Marshall Faulk and Isaac Bruce. Plus, I have Warner and Faulk on two different fantasy teams, so they need to RAM ON! The first game against the NY Giants will tell us something. The ‘Jints’ have a terrific defense and so we will see how the new Ram offensive line performs. If the line holds up and Kurt and Marshall are their old selves, the Rams win at least 27-20 and are on their way to a division crown. By the way, who in the heck made up the Redskins schedule? They could lose five of their next six games and still not be a bad team! Good thing they were able to suck it up and take out the Pennington-less Jets. Note to Herman Edwards: Vinny can’t run, but he can throw long, you better air it out more ‘cause 6 yard passes on 3rd and 7 ain’t gonna cut it! BASEBALL KEEPS ME HANGIN’ ON Okay, where are all these vacation replacement umpires going for their contact lenses, Astigmatics-R-Us? He shall remain mercifully unnamed ( his initials are Justin Klemm), but the fill-in ump who completely blew the call on the Cub’s Felipe Alou’s shot down the line last week had to be nearly blind. The ball hit right on the line so hard it kicked up obvious chalk, and yet Mr. Gone Tomorrow called it foul. With Chicago trailing 2-0 and the bases loaded, that would have made it 3-2 Cubs and potentially enabled them to sweep the Cardinals in a 5 game set. Manny Ramirez of Boston, who should be geeked to the max, is jaking it right when his team needs him most? The guy should be nicknamed “The Perfect Crime” because he doesn’t have a clue! Is ‘Bud’ Selig the worst commissioner in all of sports? Can you imagine Selig for President? Hmm, well some of you can imagine Carol Moseley Braun, so why not? Speaking of Presidential candidates, does even Dick Gephardt know what Dick Gephardt stands for? I know that most of the candidates are without actual hope, but somehow labor unions keep endorsing DG when he doesn’t have a chance in Haight-Asbury of winning. I wonder if there is one candidate for the Left side of the political spectrum other than Joe Liebermann who probably actually tells people what he actually believes. Well, maybe Howard Dean does, but then he gets all Sybil on us and changes direction. John “F” Kerry, well, hey, didn’t he USED to be Irish and now he’s not? Begorrah! TRIBUTE TO THE OLE LEFTHANDER Well, there was a 15 year old once who actually pitched in a major league game for the Reds in 1944, the youngest major league player ever. He kicked around the minors for awhile and 8 years later made it to the bigs again. He spent most of his career in Cincinnati, ironically being traded before their World Series year of 1961 and then being traded back the very next year, to finally hang ‘em up after the 1966 season. But baseball, especially Cincinnati Reds baseball, was in his blood and he became a radio announcer for WLW 700, the flagship station for Red’s baseball on the radio. This is his last full year; in 2004 he will retire from baseball after 60 years in the game, almost 59 with the Reds in some capacity and 38 of them behind the microphone. Nuxhall was a better than average pitcher and a decent hitter as pitchers go, who won more than he lost for teams that tended to lose more than they won for much of his career. At 6 feet 3 inches, he was relatively imposing in his prime but his broadcast style is warm and comfortable. His signature ending to the broadcast has been; “This is the ole lefthander rounding third and heading for home.” Reds fans are going to miss him. He announced with Al Michaels for a time, and Jim McIntyre before that, but for the last 29 years he has teamed with Marty Brennaman on the broadcasts. That is a longevity record for a broadcast team. Alas, in the era of salary caps and free agency the rosters of major league sports teams are shuffled like a deck of cards. All the best to you, Joe Nuxhall! The Pete Roses and John Benchs have come and gone. You are truly Mr. Cincinnati Red! 2 MINUTE WARNING Dennis Miller put it just right. Immigrants, come on in, we just want you to sign the guest book! Would you believe one of the ESPN guys picked Denver for the Super Bowl and it wasn’t Tom Jackson? Emmitt Smith in a Cardinals uniform. Kind of like buying a vintage Jaguar and then parking it in the back yard. The clock says 00:00. ------------ About the author: Kimbal Ross Binder is a husband of one wife and parent of six child units of various sizes. He is a tennis bum, karaoke singer, punster and a reformed liberal who now admires Rush Limbaugh and hates to miss Fox News in the evening. You can pass along plaudits and invectives to: radar@eternalisp.com Comment on this column in the forum. ------------ |
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