Joe Mariani/Lanny Grant

Liberal Superfriends 2: The Sequel
Sept 5, 2003

"Not to imply that we're better than anyone else, or better friends than any other friends, or that we're 'super-liberal', or in any way better than anybody else is, or any group of friends and/or significant others..."

From their fortress high atop the Canadian Shield, the Liberal Superfriends keep an eye on Americans' tendency to waver under the influence of their mortal enemy, Political Incorrectness (who they've never seen in the flesh, but whose existence they deduced from the behavior of those whom they watch -- it CAN'T be THEIR fault!). When they detect the taint of Political Incorrectness in those who they've been charged to watch over (by themselves, in fact), they swoop down from their hidden fortress to correct the behavior of the evildoe... uh, the poor, misguided people. Here is another list of Liberal Superfriends, listed in no particular order because that might imply precedence and make some of them feel inferior.

The Significant Other: This superhero has the ability to morph from man to woman to child and even animal, depending on the sexual preferences of nearby Liberals. The Significant Other can form and change relationships with a dazzling speed, because none of them involve any level of commitment. Main powers: causing his/her enemies to focus all their energies on figuring out the SO's Relationship Web, and making them feel somewhat sick when they do. Quote: "It's the exact same thing as marriage."

Captain Commie: His powers derive from swallowing the anti-American rhetoric dispersed by the Soviet Union for 70 years, now regurgitated by this rather gullible superhero. He is usually found dressed in fatigues, loudly denouncing the USA and the capitalist system, while touting the glories of "workers' paradises" like Cuba, North Korea and China. The sight of an American flag can cause him to scream invectives against the hated USA until the offending flag is removed (or he collapses in exhaustion). Captain Commie fights the "evils" of capitalism while greatly enjoying its benefits. Main powers: a Dual Confusion Wave generated by his amazing hypocrisy coupled with his inexplicable defense of a failed system of government he never lived under, and his ability to completely ignore the question "why are the workers who DO live in them always fleeing the Workers' Paradises?" Quote: "Communism has never been given a fighting chance."

The NAMBLA Kid (North American Man-Boy Love Association): [Description deleted to protect the keyboards of the authors from the contents of their stomachs.] Quote: "It's natural!"

The Victimiser: Everyone's a victim of her multi-headed yet faceless mortal enemy, Rich White Straight Man, in some way or another, according to this super-litigious superhero (though they may not even realise it yet). A high-priced Washington DC lobbyist in her secret identity, she has the ability to change the responsibility for personal choices into someone else's fault. Her main powers include the ability to create a victim group to cover anyone's idiosyncrasies, and successfully lobbying the government to give that group free (that is, taxpayer) money. Quotes: "You're not alone." and "They owe you."

The Tree-Hugger: Attired in the latest hiking wear from L.L. Bean and his long, greasy hair, this pro-environment superhero stuns his victims by his "natural" odor (he seldom showers, to conserve water). He has Flower Power -- the ability to talk to nature. (Whether nature actually talks back is up for debate.) He also has the power to stop progress for months by chaining himself to trees in protest. Quote: "Protect the Mother, man!"

Nature Girl: Compadre of the Tree-Hugger, Nature Girl also dons hiking catalog attire and doesn't shave or shower for weeks on end. Nature Girl is the animal's best friend, especially those who live on land in "danger" of development. Nature Girl's sidekicks are a rare kind of bird, and an endangered species of caterpillar. Their exact species is questionable, but she knows they're rare. Her powers include freeing animals from labs and the harshness of zoos, the ability to ignore the fact that they're unable to fend for themselves in the wild, and suddenly becoming interested in a scarce genus of stink beetle when Big Oil becomes interested in drilling in a remote, inhabitable plot of land. Quote: "Animals are people too!"

The Avid Appeaser: The angrier and more unreliable an enemy of the USA is, the more this superhero wants to please them and give them concessions. When dictators and terrorists threaten to attack America or her interests overseas, The Avid Appeaser uses his powers of persuasion to convince the US government to lie down for their demands, "liberally" dispensing food, money and trade agreements in return for empty promises. His real power is his ability to convince people to ignore those same dictators when they break their agreements, and make new concessions. Quotes: "Oh, they aren't asking for anything we can't afford to give." and "Peace at any cost!"

The Waffler: This somewhat pompous superhero discovered his viewpoint-altering abilities during his career as a politician in the Democratic Party. He is able to undermine even the most solid and logical position on any issue with his Aura of Indecision, causing opponents to question their own motivations. His main powers are making people change their stance on vital issues, disguising barbed accusations as innocent questions, and the ability to dodge any question himself, no matter how direct. (Examples: He used his powers during the war in Iraq, causing many Democrats -- like Senator John Kerry -- to vote to authorise the use of force in Iraq, and then turn around and condemn it. He also made many staunch "anti-war" people demand that the US send troops to Liberia.) Quote: [Long and droning speech deleted for lack of interest, but just look up anything ever said by Senator Robert Byrd (D-W.Va.) for a general idea.]

The Amazing Euro: This is perhaps the greatest Liberal superhero, practically worshipped by leftists everywhere. This is not because he's in any way better, merely because he's European. As such, he has a little of the powers of all the others, a complete lack of will to use them, a vaguely French accent thick enough to cause blunt trauma, and a natural arrogance about everything. Rather than causing Liberals to be disenchanted with him, this endears him to them even more. Often partners with U.N. Man, but definitely wears the pants (so to speak) in that relationship. Main power: stunning his foes with disbelief at the sheer power of his arrogant elitism. Quote: "You Americans bore me. We should never have given you ze independence. Life is merde."

C.A.V.E. People: This mob of easily-duped minions are the Citizens Against Virtually Everything. They idolise the Liberal Superfriends who use them as front-line soldiers and cannon fodder, hiding behind them. They vote however they're told, protest whatever they're told, and never try to come to their own conclusions about the issues at hand. Because they suffer from a form of Attention Deficit Disorder, they "may be unable to sit still, plan ahead, finish tasks, or be fully aware of what's going on around them... these people with the symptoms of ADD or ADHD seem to exist in a whirly-gig of disorganized or frenzied activity." They often receive their orders and "talking points" via the New York Times, the LA Times, the Washington Post, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, PBS, Newsweek or Time. They're easily identified, however, through their inability to refer to President Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, or FOX News without using a derogatory or infantile term.


Email Joe Mariani: CavalierX@yahoo.com

Comment on this column in the forum.

Tell a friend about this site!


Useless-Knowledge.com © Copyright 2002-2003. All rights reserved.