Joe Mariani/Lanny Grant

The Liberal Superfriends
Sept 2, 2003

"Not to imply that we're better than anyone else, or better friends than any other friends, or that we're 'super-liberal', or in any way better than anybody else is, or any group of friends and/or significant others..."
From their fortress high atop the Canadian Shield, the Liberal Superfriends keep an eye on Americans' tendency to waver under the influence of their mortal enemy, Political Incorrectness (who they've never seen in the flesh, but whose existence they deduced from the behavior of those whom they watch -- it CAN'T be THEIR fault!). When they detect the taint of Political Incorrectness in those who they've been charged to watch over (by themselves, in fact), they swoop down from their hidden fortress to correct the behavior of the evildoe... uh, the poor, misguided people. Here they are, listed in no particular order because that might imply precedence and make some of them feel inferior.

Socialised Medicine Man: Dressed in a three-piece suit to avoid racial stereotypes, Socialised Medicine Man can cure any illness or disease, and heal any damage to any person. Unfortunately, it takes six weeks to arrange an appointment with him. Quote: "Oh, so you think I should be wearing a loincloth and headdress and shaking a bone rattle around because I'm called Medicine Man, huh? I'm a DOCTOR, for crying out loud! You know where you can stick your racial stereotypes!"

The Toker: Deriving his power from the awesome jolt of totally legal Canadian weed, The Toker fights for... well, actually, he's a bit of a pacifist. He's always willing to help, though, especially if it involves a road trip. He frequently gets the munchies, however, and usually forgets what he was doing before they hit. Main power: blowing potent marijuana smoke in the faces of his opponents. Quote: "Huh?"

Robbin Hood: Defying his/her enemies to ascertain his/her gender, Robbin "fights poverty" by stealing money from the rich (anyone with a job) and giving it to the poor. Though the poor insist they'd much rather have job training and (in fact) jobs, Robbin insists on simplistic, short-term band-aids for complex problems. Robbin's two favorite powers are being able to raise taxes on corporations, and being able to ignore the fact that the corps just raise the prices for supplying their goods/services to consumers, screwing the taxpayer TWICE. Quote: "If they're poor, give them money! Duh!"

Popular Media Artist: Popular Media Artist shape-shifts from a female musician to a male actor (or vice-versa). Even though PMA only finished high school, and never attended college, they use their "star power" to brainwash people into thinking they know more than our elected officials. They have the ability to uncover conspiracies where there are none, and rewrite history to fit their political views. Quote: "We cannot overthrow a cruel, vicious, evil, bloodthirsty, mass murdering dictator, because innocent people might get killed."

Pantheistic Man: Just because Americans are entitled by law to believe in any religion they want to doesn't mean they should be allowed to do so IN PUBLIC... or so says Pantheistic Man. Whenever the 88% of North Americans that believe in one Christian religion or another openly discuss or worship how they please, Pantheistic Man is there to force them to acknowledge that 12% of North Americans believe in something else, and they they might be "offended" by religious people exercising their rights. Main power: making anyone involved in the government pretend to be an athiest just to shut him up. Quote: "You can't say 'God' except to say 'you can't say 'God'."

Homosexual Agenda Girl (HAG): This alternative-lifestyle superperson is out to eradicate traditional values and relationships because she feels that the 4% of people that are homosexual should equal the 96% that aren't. Her superpowers include a mind-control "acceptance" beam. This turns the victim into a zombie, controlled by HAG. The trance-induced zombie is forced to recite "I accept your lifestyle, because homosexuals are people too" as he/she does HAG's bidding. Quote: "Homosexuals and transgenders are superpeople too!"

Abortion Woman: Abortion Woman is a high powered, thirty-something, Manhattan businesswoman. Her powers includes aborting all unwanted fetuses (i.e. children that might cut in to someone's busy social life). She gains strength by drinking martinis and poached salmon. Her Fortress of Solitude is the Hamptons. Quote: "It's my body, my life. I decided what is best for me."

The Anti-Warrior: Violently protesting the use of force is this Liberal Superhero's forte. While insisting that the stronger one is, the less one should defend himself against an enemy, The Anti-Warrior is perfectly willing to throw rocks and bottles at policemen while they are not allowed to harm him, and sue them for police brutality if they bruise him as he violently resists arrest. Main power: confusing his enemies with the dichotomy between his "principles" and his behavior. Quote: "If you're so powerful, why do you defend yourself? It isn't fair!"

Hippie Man/Flower Woman: They travel in a 1969 Volkswagen van that runs on cosmic power, and are the main mode of transportation for the group. They are against all war, man, because all war, is like, totally not cool, man. They believe the same about capitalism and commitments. Their powers include dancing in mud, not showering and producing acid, mushrooms, hash, pot and cheap wine at will with no visible means of financial support. They can flash a peace sign to ward off violence, but it only protects them. Quote: "war is so not groovy, man. Love your brother man, man."

U.N. Man: Also UN-Man. UN-Man has the ability to hold meetings. He only has the power of negotiation; he cannot fight. Instead, UN-Man holds conferences and hearings, in hopes of waiting out evil -- oops, "the misguided". Main power: giving power over others to those certain to abuse it. Quotes: "We need to work together to work out our differences" and "America, you are evil./We need your help."


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