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Joe Mariani

From The Weasels: Thanks For Nothing
Aug 30, 2003

Dear Animal Rights Activists:

Well, we weasels have our freedom now, thanks to you well-intentioned members of the Animal Liberation Front. All ten thousand of us Mustelidae (a fancy human word for weasels) were originally very grateful that you animal rights activists broke your laws and risked your lives to give us freedom from our little cages. We were happy to be able to roam free in the wild state Nature intended for us. We want you to know that for the first few hours, it really WAS great!

However, all ten thousand of us are now missing those little cages, and what's more, we're really missing those not-so-little meals we used to get in them. See, when you set ten thousand carnivores loose in the woodlands of Washington State, you must have forgotten to consider exactly how we were supposed to survive out here! We've eaten everything we could find. We've even eaten domestic livestock, pets and frankly, anything not nailed down too tightly. Now, thanks to you kind people, we have nothing left to eat but each other. Were you thinking about that when you had your moment of joy setting us free? Couldn't you have seen fit to set ten thousand bags of Purina Weasel Chow free at the same time, huh?

We all (all that's left alive, anyway) appreciated Andrew Knight's statement that "The amount of suffering that has been prevented by releasing them from cramped cages and freeing them from an extremely cruel death more than justifies a temporary disruption to the ecosystem." Now, however, we're suffering an even crueler death by slow starvation, and we wonder if this tortured, painful end was what you had in mind for us when you released us. If so (or worse, if you never even thought about the consequences of your actions), then you are much, much crueler than the people who at least fed us every day and gave us a place to sleep every night. Sure it sounds really noble and all to say that we're a temporary disruption to the ecosystem, but (being a human and supposedly more intelligent than we are), you might have thought ahead just a little. How about the fact that the ecosystem is now destroyed in this area, and although we are going to be a VERY temporary disruption indeed, the effects of our hunger will have an impact on this area for YEARS to come? Was that part of your plan, or didn't you think about the fact that animals eat?? We don't just frolic around singing, like a live- action Disney flick, you know.

And this isn't even our habitat! Weasels prefer fields or light woods... even suburban areas. It's the food thing again... our prey is easier to catch in places like those with some open ground. Yet here we are, dumped in the woods like ten thousand furry bags of garbage, without a thought for what was to become of us. And even if we weren't so hungry, we'd be fighting amongst ourselves... we're pretty territorial. Did you expect we'd all suddenly learn to cooperate for the greater good and work together to figure a way out of our predicament? Nature doesn't work that way, people. You mentioned that you were trying to prove that weasels could survive in the wild. Well, "the wild" sure never included around a thousand times the average sustainable population density being dropped into the wrong habitat without so much as a CARE package of dead mice or something. It's a weasel-eat-weasel world now, to coin a phrase.

We want to ask you people for a favor, on behalf of any other animals you were thinking of helping to freedom. Don't, okay? It's not that we don't appreciate your heartfelt intentions to give us a helping hand; it's just that it would have been kinder to kill us in some faster way than this. We get the feeling, though, that this little stunt was less about helping us than about getting attention for your cause. Well, we understand. But next time, try not to cause so much environmental damage and cause slow, painful death to the animals you say you're trying to help, alright?

Well, I really hate to sound so bitter. Thanks for the freedom, really. I'm going to see if I can convince Domino's Online to deliver a pizza with field mice. Maybe I can get captured tomorrow, if I'm lucky.

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