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Dec 10, 2002 My dad was never one to give unnecessary advise to his children. He tended to sit back and grumble knowingly while we made our stupid mistakes and drew our own (sometimes stupid) conclusions. Personal experience was a good way for us to learn, but when necessary, my dad did get involved. And there was one thing with which he always got involved. Something that moved him deeply. Something that was so important to him, he carried it wherever he went. My father was a true believer in the handkerchief. He believed that with a trusty square of cloth tucked in your back pocket, a normal man could easily become Johnny-on-the-spot if there was a spill. If a child’s tears needed to be dried, a handkerchief man would always be there to lend a hand. If someone needed a bandage -- for a lacerated earlobe, perhaps -- a Hanky Man would be there to save the day. . . and stop the bleeding. If an unexpected dust storm were to suddenly blow up, a Hanky Man would be prepared with his own dust mask. And, of course, if a nose needed blowing, nothing could withstand the nasal-air explosion of a trumpeting man like a well-made hanky. No pitifully torn tissues and sticky hands for the Hanky Man. Only trapped boogers and a clean and clear air passage. Ahhh! But not everyone is able to see the pragmatic beauty of the handkerchief. They are unable to see past the boogie-ridden rag stuffed in a greasy back pocket. And it’s to these blind people that I am now about to speak: Do not fear the boogie. The boogie is nothing to fear. If you open your eyes to the mystery: The truth is really quite clear. So clear, in fact, that numerous scientific studies, performed by serious-minded men and women wearing white lab coats and carrying clipboards, have determined that dust, which is a building block of boogers, is generally comprised of two things: You (meaning your skin and hair, etc) and stardust (the dust still settling from the Big Bang billions of years ago). The other building block of boogers, as you probably already know, is snot (or scientifically speaking, mucous -- a sort of sugary paste). Snot traps the dust in your nasal passage, not unlike pre-historic bugs being trapped in amber. Snot does this, apparently, to keep your lungs from becoming vacuum bags. Without snot, you’d be coughing up dust bunnies left and right. But you don’t have to worry about dust bunnies. You’ve got boogers instead. And here’s how boogers get made: Dust, which if you remember from the scientific studies is made of you and the cosmos, gets trapped by the snot in your nose and dries into a sort of crystal. These crystals are not just boogies, though. They are actually little symbolic jewels. They represent the individual (skin and hair) confronting, and eventually uniting with, the cosmos (eternity, the beginning and the end). Boogers: Little, green, sticky. They are the essence of life. And because boogers are loaded with symbolic value, Hanky Men believe they should be given at least two days to live. No more than three days. But don’t get me wrong, as much as Hanky Men respect the symbolism of the booger, we do NOT want to touch them. A booger’s place is on a handkerchief, never EVER on a finger. (Unless you’re that guy in the traffic jam who thinks no one can see him picking his nose. You know the guy. Note to Guy: We can see you picking your nose.) And so, out of respect for fellow travelers and for fear of touching a boogie, a true Hanky Man must learn the secret art of Boogigami. Based on the ancient Japanese paper folding technique, Origami, Boogigami combines mathematical precision with delicate and artistic folding. Risking expulsion from the Ancient Order of the Boogigami, I will present to you a brief overview of the secrets of Boogigami. Imagine a red handkerchief lying flat on a table. This handkerchief is composed of two panels, the front and back. Now imagine you fold the handkerchief in half. You now have four panels. Fold it again and you have eight panels and so on. Most Hanky Men prefer a 16 or 32-panel handkerchief. It depends on the size of the handkerchief and the snugness of the pants being worn. Each panel is designed to withstand one nose blow; therefore, a 32-panel handkerchief can withstand 32 nose blows (given normal conditions). If the average person blows his or her nose 4 times a day, the 32-panel handkerchief could last eight days. But since a Boogigami handkerchief shall never be used for more than three days, a 32-panel handkerchief (given normal conditions) allows the nose blower to use 2.7 panels per nose blow, which is more than enough space to keep you hands clean and your nose clear. And what more could you ask? With the Boogigami knowledge you know possess, you should have no fear of boogers or the handkerchiefs that hold them. If you keep an open mind, remain patient and willing to learn, you too can become a Hanky Man. Or Woman. God bless the Hanky People wherever they rest their heads. And noses. And Dad, thanks for the advise. ------------ Jeff Milligan lives in West Sadsbury Township, Pennsylvania with his wife and two children. He falls in the following demographic categories: Age 25 - 34. Race: Whitish. Shaving: Does not enjoy it.. Email Jeff: JIam41@aol.com Comment on this column in the forum. ------------ |
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