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July 23, 2003 Thinking back to middle school I still hold on to a crystal clear image of my mother having a very important conversation with me. She looked directly into my eyes with a glance that was almost haunting and said, “Jason, you should consider yourself a lucky man if you go through life and find that you have amassed three true friends.” At the time her comment seemed to be among the most ridiculous words that I had ever heard uttered in my life. I figured that me of all people would have more than three true friends. I wondered to myself how anyone could be that skeptical about human nature to applaud those individuals that had cultivated the friendship of only a few people. I totally dismissed her comments for the time being but was unable to shake that conversation from my memory; I was unable to erase that pessimistic take on friendship from my mind. I can still recall asking my mother if certain individuals that come over to our home for dinner were in fact her friends. She seemed to basically laugh at me. I was entirely confused. It seemed as though everyone that came over had an excellent time and they also seemed to genuinely enjoy her company as well. She would always tell me that these people were her acquaintances or peers, or her colleagues. I was not sophisticated enough at that point in time to truly understand what she meant by those terms, but I always took it for granted that those were in fact her good friends. I don’t think it was until high school when I truly began to understand what my mother had been trying to tell me all those years. I can still recall reading Hamlet by William Shakespeare and this proved to be the catalyst for my epiphany. There was a memorable scene in which Polonius was having a father to son chat with his only son Laertes. He was basically giving Laertes universal advice about the world, and how it works. Polonius said to his son, “The friends though hast and their adoption tried, grapple them to thine soul with hoops of steal.” No other quote had ever struck such a cord with me. I immediately committed it to memory, and found myself wanting to investigate for myself what it meant to be a friend, and to a greater extent a true friend. This is what I decided upon in no particular order: 1. Respect- In friendship there has to be a mutual respect shared by both parties involved. I noticed that in high school it was not at all uncommon to see kids using their “friends” for various things. Kids were being used for their cars when their “friends were not yet old enough to drive. Kids would be used for their homes to throw parties, when their parents left town for vacations. This using made the friendships completely one sided and was wrong. It also illustrated how there was a serious lack of respect in those relationships. It is imperative to be able to recognize this behavior if you are apart of it, then maybe reevaluate your friendships. 2. Trust/Honesty- I think this may even go without saying in any relationship at all. Parents have to be able to trust their children, wives their husbands, employers their employees, and so on. When you are building the structure of friendship one must first begin with the foundation of trust. If, for any reason the trust is ever broken friends need to be honest with one another. This is required to begin to rebuild the dismantled friendship. 3. Ability to share- This truly is an important component of friendships. In friendship one needs to be able to give as well as take. This goes for more than just inanimate objects and possessions. Friends need to be able to share their ears and listen to problems. They need to be able to share their time. Friends also need to be able to share their feeling when something is not right with them, or within the friendship. This sharing is needed in order to produce a truly beneficial bond between two individuals. 4. No jealousy- I often noticed in high school, but also in life that there is a very thin line between jealousy and admiration. Many a friendships have ended because this line has been crossed, or because someone was not aware where admiration ended and jealousy began. Being too envious of someone close to you is all the Green Eyed monster needs to end a friendship forever. Since high school I have always believed that there is a direct correlation between true friendships and one’s ability to adhere to the above rules. That being said, I also truly believe that true friendships also require a certain amount of magic that can’t really be explained with mere words. It is my firm belief however, that If my suggestions are paid attention to that it will in fact be that much easier to find your friends that you can grapple to your soul. ------------ About the author: Jason Trace is a senior at Michigan State University who is majoring in English. Email Jason Trace: tracejas@msu.edu Comment on this column in the forum. Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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