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Mar 6, 2004 As a man in a relationship, I acknowledge that there are certain rules by which you must abide in order to avoid having a high-heeled shoe thrown at your face. There are the ones every guy knows about -- don’t ever call your wife or girlfriend fat, don’t leave your underwear on the kitchen counter, and so on. And then there are the 17,000 other rules; they’re the ones you don’t learn about until after you’ve broken them. Here’s the one that earned me a shoe toss just the other day: Don’t overspend on anything, EVER. I’m all about enjoying a personal perk every now and then. I don’t see the harm in an occasional fancy dinner, or helicopter ride to work. But I made a crucial mistake: I overspent on a TV stand. The mistake wasn’t in the purchase, but rather in telling my girlfriend about it. She looked at me like I had just shot a clown. There were words, most of them short and swear-related, and I was told that I was no longer allowed to carry more than seventy-five cents at any time. Let me tell you from experience: that won’t get you very far in a helicopter. So I couldn’t help but smile through my shame when I saw that an Irish pub owner recently bid almost 32,000 British pounds ($35 million U.S., give or take) for a letter written by a passenger on the Titanic. The letter, which was still contained in its original envelope, was part of the last batch of mail that left the ship before it was torpedoed by a Russian nuclear submarine and…oh, wait. That didn’t happen (or did it…?) Overspending for rare memorabilia isn’t necessarily the worst thing to do, and the successful bidder can’t be faulted for wanting a piece of history. But the letter itself had all the excitement of a senior citizens’ three-legged race. Here are some excerpts: --“I am told this is the Titanic’s maiden voyage, so I think I must use some of its paper.” --“There was nearly an accident just as we started, but we did not know till it was nearly over.” --“(The Titanic) is a vast place -- five decks, immense drawing rooms, dining rooms and swimming baths and gymnasium -- and a band playing.” (Note: band in question was later identified as The Rolling Stones.) This is only one example of rampant overspending by a member of the male gender. At a recent auction in Milan, six bottles of 60-year-old Scotch whiskey sold for 15,000 pounds apiece ($35 million U.S., give or take) to an anonymous Scottish businessman. Described by “Wine Magazine” as “incredibly smooth, round and rich” (the Scotch, not the businessman), the six bottles each came with labels designed by an Italian artist who actually survived the sinking of the Titanic. That last part might not be true, but for 15,000 pounds per bottle, it damned well better be. Then there’s the story of a man who successfully bid 470 pounds ($22 U.S., give or take) for a hundred-year-old chocolate bar. The Cadbury bar belonged to British explorer Robert Scott, best known for losing to Norway’s Roald Amundsen for the honor of being the first man to reach the South Pole (I don’t wish to speak illy of the deceased, but I bet fat Robbie would have gotten there first if he had laid off the Cadbury.) Anyhow, the bar was bought by an anonymous chocoholic from Britain, who planned to display it in his home, next to the 18th-Century hot dog he had purchased the month before. All of this brings me to a very important point: Men are, and always will be, like overanxious children when it comes to spending money. We’re solely responsible for the widespread success of bookies, X-rated video stores, and Adam Sandler. We’ll willingly pay three dollars for a pear, because we have absolutely no idea what it’s supposed to cost. And you know something? We’re cool with that, because it’s just what we do. Raccoons eat garbage, the Boston Red Sox choke in the playoffs, and men overspend. Ladies, we know it pains you, but that’s the way it is. So put your shoes away. Please. ------------ About the author: James Bisson is a reporter/editor for Canadian Press in Toronto. So yes, he does have a real job. And no, he's not in a mental institution. Yet. Email James A. Bisson: jbisson@cp.org Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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