Never Judge A Man By The Size of His Cell Phone

Articles

James A. Bisson

Never Judge A Man By The Size of His Cell Phone
Feb 16, 2004

I think it’s time we had a serious talk with Japan.

It wouldn’t necessarily be a hostile talk. We could invite Japan over to watch a football game, or to play Boggle. Maybe Japan could even teach us how to make lovable swans out of paper. But at some point, we definitely need to sit down and explain something to Japan. And it would probably sound something like this: “Stop making our crap obsolete!” (Okay, so it would be hostile.)

Before I explain why I’m blaming Japan, here’s some background information on the country known as “The Land of the Rising Sun”:

FULL NAME: The Empire of Japan, Brought To You In Part By Hyundai: “Driving is Believing” NATIONAL FLAG: White, with a red circle in the middle DESIRED NATIONAL FLAG: White, with a pink “Hello Kitty” in the middle LAND MASS: Approximately 160,000 square miles COMPARABLE TO THE SIZE OF: Central Park POPULATION: Over 125 million THAT’S A LOT OF PEOPLE: Yes, it is.

In all seriousness, though, the Japanese are famously smart people. Many of the greatest technological advancements have come out of Japan. The problem is, they just can’t seem to stop coming up with gadgets that are significantly better than the last gadgets they came up with.

(I also blame them for Yoko Ono, but that’s clearly a topic all its own.)

For clear evidence of this, we needn’t look any further than the evolution of the cellular phone. The portable telephone was invented in 1973 by Dr. Martin Cooper, a Very Important Man who needed to be reached at all hours of the day, even times when he may have been in the shower, or on the toilet. So while Cooper’s colleagues were busy healing patients, replacing withered organs, and doing other things doctors are generally supposed to do, Cooper was inventing the mobile telephone. The prototype was a success, except for two minor quibbles:

—The phone was the size of an adult cow. —The phone’s range was three and a half feet.

But the Japanese saw potential in this new and exciting device, and took it upon themselves to improve it. So they added LCD screens, and cool ring tones, and flimsy antennas that have great reception, but snap off if you even look at them the wrong way. They also added a number of handy features, like conferencing, text messaging, and remote detonation capability. And, in typical Japanese fashion, the cell phones became MUCH smaller. Initially, shrinking the phones was done to make them easier to carry around. But now it’s getting out of hand; you could be having an important business call during breakfast, accidentally drop your cell phone in your bowl of Lucky Charms, and never find it again. Somewhere in an electronics store in Tokyo sits the newest, smallest phone in the world: “The Nokia KXS 47000: So Small, It Might Not Even Be There At All, Which Would Mean You’re Staring At An Empty Display Case For No Reason!"

Then they did the same thing to our televisions. Once upon a time, a television was big and wide, and as awkward to carry as a family of goats. If the picture was fuzzy (and it often was), we kicked the hell out of it until it fixed itself, or broke. This was our relationship with our television, and we were comfortable with that. But now, thanks to our Japanese friends, we have plasma-screen televisions, which cost around eighty thousand dollars each, but are vastly thinner (surprise) and higher quality than their predecessors. They’re perfect for viewing Japanese anime cartoons, featuring bug-eyed pre-teens in pink mini-skirts battling giant lizards, or giant spiders, or giant lizards dressed like giant spiders. Or you could watch normal television. It’s up to you.

My point in all of this is that it’s very frustrating for me, as a consumer, to buy a piece of technology that becomes obsolete before I have a chance to accidentally sit on it, or smash it with a shoe. And as you can see, it’s all Japan’s fault. So what we need to do is put a stop to the madness. We must rise against the never-ending deluge of technological advancements. We must curtail Japan’s relentless barrage of gizmos and gadgets we don’t need. And we must do it soon, before they build a giant ray gun and zap our continent like an over- microwaved Pizza Pocket. Now, go call your friends and tell them to boycott all things Japanese until further notice. I’ll do the same, just as soon as I find my damned cell phone.

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About the author: James Bisson is a reporter/editor for Canadian Press in Toronto. So yes, he does have a real job. And no, he's not in a mental institution. Yet. Email James A. Bisson: jbisson@cp.org

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