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Apr 6, 2004 "I'm going back to the land of Pine to raise my tobaccer and make moonshine." --North Carolina state motto At the risk of generalizing, I think it’s fair to say that everybody in North Carolina makes, drinks and sells moonshine. It’s one of the state’s prized exports, along with college basketball players, racecar drivers, and David Brinkley. But recently, I discovered that the illegal alcohol business is actually a widespread global phenomenon, like MSN Messenger, or despising America. In some of the world’s poorer countries, moonshine actually accounts for up to 104 per cent of all alcohol consumed (figures provided by the Association for People Who Don’t Add Very Well). So what’s all the fuss about? What is it about homemade hooch that keeps the moonshine industry booming into the 21st Century? And why is Clay Aiken allowed to make records? We probably can’t answer all of your questions, but we’ll try our best! Q. What exactly is “moonshine”? A. It’s defined as “whiskey illegally distributed from a corn mash”. According to early 20th Century moonshiners, a good batch of moonshine could “tear the face off a ferret and paste it to an outhouse wall faster than you could shave a Cheyenne goat.” We’re not sure if anyone actually said that, but it sure sounds like something an early 20th Century moonshiner would say…especially if he was sucking hooch at the time. Q. How is moonshine made? A. Usually, quite poorly. Q. No, no…how is it made? A. Ohhh, right. Well, since making moonshine is still very illegal, and since I’m a big proponent of jail-free living, let me just say that there are basic “ingredients”, which you mix together in a big silver “thing” and heat. When the resultant “goo” turns a certain color, you then add “stuff”. A few complicated steps later, you’ve got a first-class moonshine strong enough to peel the whiskers off a pregnant walrus. Or something like that. Q. Weren’t the “Dukes of Hazzard” involved in wacky moonshine-laden hijinks in the 1970s? A. That’s correct. Of course, it was their lovable “Uncle Jesse” who was responsible for most of the moonshine production in Hazzard County. It wouldn’t surprise anyone if Luke and Bo snuck in a swig now and then. That’s likely why they couldn’t get the doors on the “General Lee” to open, and why they always drove that poor car off a wrecked bridge at least twice a week. What I wanna know is, who was wrecking all those bridges? Was there a tornado every five hours? Did Hazzard County have a ridiculously high beaver count? Answers, people! I want answers! Q. What are some of the dangers of drinking moonshine? A. There are several million, so here are the main ones to watch out for: • Bad batches of moonshine have been known to cause blindness, paralysis, tics, hair loss, alopecia, erectile dysfunction, SARS, and sometimes, gruesome death. And that’s just from sniffing it. • While the mash ferments in the woods, it’s common for insects and small animals to actually fall into the mash and sink to the bottom. I suppose it would be kind of like fruit-bottomed yogurt…if you replaced “fruit” with “skeletal remains of possum and bats”. • In some foreign countries, there have been horror stories about dealers using highly toxic ingredients like car-battery acid and human feces to speed the alcohol-fermentation process. Human feces! Suddenly a little rotting possum doesn’t sound so bad. Q. How was the moonshine delivered? A. If it was a local sale, customers would merely swing by the seller’s place of business to pick up the goods. Moonshiners would cleverly disguise their illegal practices by hanging signs like “We Sure Aren’t Selling Any Homemade Booze Here!” to avoid arousing suspicion. Long-distance purchases were more difficult. Moonshine transporters used to soup up their cars so they could elude the police, maybe jump a bridge or two, and successfully deliver the illegal liquor to their blind and/or paralyzed customers. Eventually, these vehicular modifications led to the creation of the NASCAR stock car circuit, where each week, thousands of racing fans pay homage to the history of moonshine by drinking themselves into a collective slobbering coma. Q. How is moonshine delivered today? A. Mostly through EBay. Despite its drawbacks, illegal liquor still accounts for more than half of all alcohol consumed worldwide. And despite information to the contrary, some homemade booze is quite tasty, and free of nasty side effects. Just make sure you shop around, use sound judgment, and never EVER buy from the guy with the seeing-eye dog. ------------ About the author: James Bisson is a reporter/editor for Canadian Press in Toronto. So yes, he does have a real job. And no, he's not in a mental institution. Yet. Email James A. Bisson: jbisson@cp.org Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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