HOME | POLITICS | SPORTS | LIFE | SCI/TECH | OPEDS | HELPFUL TIPS
|
Mar 20, 2004 Let me start by saying that I’m not against hunting. I have no qualms with burly unshaven men draping themselves in camouflage and chasing two-ton moose with rifles, pistols, bayonets, or whatever else they can get their hands on. If they want to risk being gored, trampled, left for dead and eventually scavenged by the cast of “Bambi”, that’s their choice. Besides, there’s something to be said for a man who earns his own meat. Hunters know what I’m talking about; most of them won’t even go near a grocery store. If they didn’t shoot it, skin it, or hang part of it on the wall of their den, then they sure as heck aren’t eating it. While I’m not opposed to hunting per se, I’m still not entirely comfortable with the thought of going hunting myself. That’s because I’m a tree-hugging, shrub-fondling nature lover. I love all animals -- geese, rodents, deer, puffins, worms, and even moose. And while most of these animals do end up in my refrigerator, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about their well-being while they’re still alive. So it was with some hesitation that I accepted an invitation to a day at an outdoor paintball park. I was invited by a close friend who assured me that there would be plenty of young children there, and that I would have an easy time picking them off, because children are generally slow and uncoordinated. Well, I couldn’t pass THAT up, so I agreed to go. If you’ve never taken part in a paintball match before, there are a few things you need to know: --Most guns at a paintball park work like Canadian tanks; either poorly, or not at all. There’s nothing worse than locking a target in your sights, only to have your gun seize up like an American Idol contestant. (On a related topic, you shouldn’t throw your gun at an enemy target. It doesn’t count as a kill, and it only makes people mad.) --It’s important to stick to shooting enemies. This is often your primary objective. Shooting teammates is VERY easy (and fun), but it’s wrong. Shooting squirrels is cool the first time, but it gets dull after a while. Shooting referees is a great way to get chased down and eventually thrown in a dumpster. --Paintballs might only be plastic, and they might only contain paint, but they hurt like a collection of funny symbols. (eg: $#%^$#@!) This is especially true when you’re hit at close range. As a general rule, if you capture an enemy target, you are supposed to show him “mercy”. It comes from the French word “merci”, which means “Please don’t hurt me, for I am French, and therefore a big sissy pants!” But, as I learned firsthand, not everyone plays by the rules. In one mission, I was supposed to run up a hill and hide in a ravine on the other side. It wasn’t until I had started running that I realized I shouldn’t be (running, that is.) You see, I’m not really built for running. Eating? Without a doubt. Relaxing? Mother, may I! But if my body was a computer, then running would represent one of those blue-screen “FATAL ERROR!!!” messages you always get just before your desktop bursts into flames. Here’s what happened: RIGHT LEG: He’s trying to run up a hill. LEFT LEG: I’m aware of this. What should we do? RIGHT LEG: We could make him trip and tumble down the other side. That’s always fun to see. LEFT LEG: Nah, we did that last week. RIGHT LEG: Okay, how about a cramp? LEFT LEG: Perfect. Okay, this running has gone on long enough. It’s go time. Laying prone on the ground, clutching my diabolical right leg, I was easy pickings for an enemy shooter. I saw one approaching, and rose quickly to my feet: WHAT I SAID: “I Surrender!” WHAT HE HEARD: “Hi there! Say, would you be kind enough to shoot at my face and sensitive male parts from close range? Thanks!” So I returned home with a few welts, and a little swelling in places, but a good time was nonetheless had by all. Playing a few games of paintball taught me several things. I learned that I shouldn’t run anywhere at any time, ever. I discovered that children make terrific paintball shields, and that Technicolor squirrels look just plain creepy. Above all, I realized that it’s downright scary to have predators nipping at your heels with weapons at the ready, which only galvanizes my stance against hunting any animal. It’s cruel, it’s heartless, and it’s just plain wrong. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go fix myself a puffin sandwich. ------------ About the author: James Bisson is a reporter/editor for Canadian Press in Toronto. So yes, he does have a real job. And no, he's not in a mental institution. Yet. Email James A. Bisson: jbisson@cp.org Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
||||||
|
|
|||||||
|
