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 Holly Winter Living The Life Of Holly May 8, 2003 Ralph was sitting on my couch eating his second turkey sandwich. His threw his cell phone into the air, grabbed it and answered it before the second ring. “Hello?” He held a finger to his lips and softened his voice. “Sure.” He laughed. “I remember you. Let’s meet for coffee. I know the place. That will be perfect. How about an hour?” “Another one?” I couldn’t believe it. “You have been single for a week.” “I know.” He sighed. “I am on a roll. “All the girls are calling me. But I am not mentioning you to any more of my girlfriends.” “Hey. You’re lucky to have me for a best friend. Do they how much money you save by eating lunches here? It’s money you can spend on them.” “Women are strange. They don’t want me to have a best friend who’s a girl. It makes them insecure.” “It’s not my fault the last one vaulted when she saw my picture.” I said, standing at the counter eating my salad. “Well. It was a bad, bad picture of you.” He teased. “I just don’t get it. Darlin-man didn’t seem to have any problem with you being my best man- friend.” “That’s because he could recognize the perfection in me.” He said, pulling a Klondike ice cream bar from the freezer. “But you can find almost no woman who will even consider me being your best woman-friend. Why is that?” I handed him a spoon. “Because they can see that you are far too strange.” “No. It’s starting to bug me. Ok. So what. We dated. Who cares?” “Holly. They all care. Every one of them.” “I know. And it isn’t just you that I have this trouble with. It’s other X’s too. And even some of the guy friends whom I haven’t dated. Even their girlfriends have ‘issues’ with them being friends with me. I’m an awesome friend.” “She didn’t even like that my X-wife and I are still friends. She thought that it was wrong that we didn’t argue about raising Sarah.” “How could someone have issues with that?” “She did.” “Well. Maybe this girl you are meeting for coffee will be more interesting.” “I’m not going to mention you.” “Maybe if I change my name to, George. You know. A woman named George. Maybe that would help. Then when she meets me one day, she can deal with the fact that I’m a woman.” “No. You get no mention.” “Ok. I don’t care about that. I just want to know why Seinfeld didn’t have these problems in his dating life. “Who?” “You know. Seinfeld. From the TV show. He and Elaine dated, early on in his show, right?” “Yeah. I think so.” “And they remained great friends through the whole show, right?” “Yeah. They hung out.” He said. “Well. How come his girlfriends never ran away when they found out that he was friends with a woman that he used to date, but didn’t want to date anymore?” “Don’t know.” “And the show Friends. Didn’t they all kind of date each other at one time or another?” “Yeah. How do you know all of this. You never watch TV.” He asked suspiciously. “My students used to write about it in their journals every day. Believe me. I didn’t have to watch the shows. I knew the story lines from all the journals I had to read every day.” “Are you out of cookies?” He asked, digging around the friend food shelf in the pantry. “How come the guys on those shows don’t date insecure women who vault when they find out that there are lingering women friends around?” I asked, handing him the cookies that were right within his reach. “Holly. I think because they are just made up shows. They aren’t real.” “Ok. I have an idea. The next time you want to mention me to a prospective date, watch TV with her first, ok?” My phone rang. It was Steve. Another X. “Why are you calling me?” I joked. “We spoke yesterday.” “I know. Remember I told you about that flight attendant that I started dating?” “Yes.” “Remember I told you how much I liked her?” “Yes.” “Well. She doesn’t want me calling you anymore. It makes her really uncomfortable.” “What? Why?” “Because we once dated.” “Tell me you are joking.” I said, sitting down. “No joke.” Ok. Now I was getting mad. Is this the final straw? Is the world of X boyfriends completely unexplainable? “We live two thousand miles apart, Steve. We dated years ago. What’s her problem with that?” “I don’t know.” “So. Why are you calling me? I thought you liked her.” “Oh. I do like her. I’m calling you from her apartment. She’s standing right here. I don’t want her thinking that she can tell me what to do. I thought it might be fun to make her a little mad.” I could hear her laughing in the background. “Fine. You can talk to her all you want. I don’t care.” She laughed some more. “Steve. Could you maybe refuse to take the garbage out if you want to annoy her, and leave me out of it?” I sighed. “Oh. She changed her mind. I am ‘allowed’ to talk to you. That’s no fun at all. Ok. Going to say good-bye for now.” “Hey. Are you out of potato chips?” Ralph asked, holding the empty Pringles container in his hand. You know. X’s can be difficult to manage. Sometimes I think that I would be better off if I released them all back to the wild. ------------ About the author: Holly Winter is a teacher and a writer and a flight attendant living in Denver, Colorado, USA. She can be reached at her website or email: Holly@livingthelifeofholly.com Comment on this column in the forum. ------------ |
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