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 Holly Winter Living The Life Of Holly Aug 1, 2003 “I brought along some blueberries.” She said. “I know how much you love them. And Blueberries taste best when you’re hiking.” “Thanks.” I sobbed. Kate had kidnapped me. No. It was an amiable kidnapping. She knew I was upset and had taken me up to the mountains for a long walk. “How long have you been crying?” She asked, softly. “About twenty four hours. I think. I think I’m having a nervous breakdown.” The words caught in my throat. “Holly. I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize that things were so bad for you.” She said. “You’ve been holding it all in. Just cry it all out.” “I didn’t realize that they were bad either. I know I’ve had a lot going on… but it hadn’t bothered me. But. Last night. Last night I hit a wall.” “What does that mean ‘hit a wall?” Ralph had come over to visit. I was writing on my laptop, and he was fixing some digital photos on my desktop computer. I started crying, much to the surprise of my best friend. “What’s wrong?” He asked. “Are you writing a sad column?” “No. It’s my life. My life is sad.” The tears were streaming down my face. “Why?” He asked, surprised. “Everything’s wrong. Nothing’s right.” “Are you ok?” He asked. “No. Everything’s all wrong.” He shrugged his shoulders. “You’re the one who’s always reminding me of all the good things about life. What’s wrong? Your health is pretty good. Well. Kind of good. You live in a pretty good place. Well. Kind of good place. You have ME for a best friend. What could be better than that?” My tears sped up. “You don’t know how bad it’s been.” Ralph looked like he was about to cry. He hates to see me upset. “Have you talked to the doctor? Did he scare you?” “No.” “Did work call and upset you again?” “No.” “What’s wrong?” I had no idea. I hadn’t cried like this since I started having seizures and had to take a medical leave. Then Ralph had held me and let me cry and promised me that things would be ok. “Holly. You’re scaring me. What’s wrong?” He begged. “Have you had a seizure? Maybe you need to sleep.” He pulled me onto the couch and held me close. “Sleep.” He demanded. He followed his own advice and drifted off to slumber-land right away. I laid there sobbing. Mostly I was upset that I didn’t know exactly what was wrong. When he woke up the whole front of his shirt was soaked with my tears. Kate repeated herself. “What does that mean, hit a wall?” I took a deep breath and spoke fast. “Well. I haven’t had a pay check in seven months. And I don’t know if I’ve been fired from jetBlue or not. And I filed with the EEOC and now I get to sit around and be stressed wondering if work will start harassing me because I filed. And I’m tired of not having a visual memory and having to explain to everyone that the seizures burned it out and that I will never recognize them and that I can’t even recognize myself in the mirror and I’m tired of having to explain it to new people all the time.” I slumped down and let the tears continue to fall. That’s what Kate was there for. To help me cry. “And I’m tired of friends worried that I’ve lost too much weight. And I had to take my retirement money out so I have something to live on so if I can’t make it with my writing, I’ll have to teach till I’m seventy years old. And my laptop keeps shutting down every two hours and the company laughs at me and says that I have to send it in so that they can give me another one. But my new desk top computer isn’t working right yet. I need ONE computer that works right.” “Keep going.” She said, softly. “I want to be able to afford a pedicure again. I want red toenails and I can’t do it myself without having red toes too. And I’m tired of dating men who talk marriage on the first date. Isn’t that ridiculous? That was the good thing about Darlin-man. He wasn’t looking for marriage. Everyone else is. I want to marry one day but I don’t want to talk about it and plan it with someone I don’t know. And I’m tired of men who read my column to prepare for dates. They need to get a life and then tell me about it when we go out. That would impress me. And. They should stop bringing pudding as a gift.” “They bring pudding?” “Yes.” I laughed. “Isn’t that gross? Diamonds. I want diamonds. And white gold. Heck with pudding with a bow on it. Isn’t that the dumbest gift?” “What do you do with it?” I sighed. “I eat it immediately.” “You’re hopeless.” She laughed. “You know that? Totally hopeless.” “I know.” I smiled. The tears continued to fall. “And Short Term Disability wants more paperwork from my neurologist, again. I can’t bear to call him to ask for it, but I have to even though my benefits were over months ago. And my doctor insists that I stop taking the Topamax and start taking a new medicine which would mean that I’d have to go through withdrawals of this one, then get used to another one. God. No way. I can’t bear to do it.” I took a deep breath. “And I miss my dog. My sister will hardly give me news about her. I am going to go home for a wedding in September just so I can see her and take her on a hike. And. Now. I’m tired of whining. But. One more thing. I haven’t been in the mood to write for the past two days…” “You don’t want to write?” She interrupted. “No. I don’t even want to write.” She smiled. “Holly. That doesn’t sound like you.” “I know.” I cried. “I need therapy. But. I don’t know who to go to. I need a therapist who understands me. And right now I don’t even understand myself.” Kate smiled. “Girl. This might be easier than you think. Have some more blueberries.” “Why.” I asked, suspiciously. “Holly. How long ago was your miscarriage?” “I don’t know. Six weeks?” “Girl. You’re suffering from post partum.” She smiled. “You aren’t having a nervous breakdown. But. It feels a lot like you are. I’ve been there.” We sat facing the waterfall. I laughed through my tears. “You think?” “I’m sure.” She laughed. “I’ve known you a long time. Have some more berries. See. If you were in a simple depression, you wouldn’t be eating. And you wouldn’t be hiking. You would have sat home crying all day.” “You knew all along?” “I was pretty sure last night when I called.” She nodded. “I had to give you the blueberry test to be certain.” “Why didn’t you tell me?” I laughed through my tears. Was there a light without the expense of therapy at the end of my tunnel? “Oh. I wanted to hear you be a little negative for a change. I figured you could use the release.” She giggled. “And how else could I collect some good Holly-gossip?” We laughed together into the waterfall. Post Partum. Hey. I never expected it to get it from a miscarriage. I had no idea. The next day my tears would melt into sunshine proving Kate’s point, and my sunny disposition would return. “So.” I said as we watched the birds dive into the waterfall for the fun of it. “The day I refuse blueberries is the day you’ll worry?” “Yes.” She laughed. “If you ever refused blueberries or pudding, I would call a therapist myself.” “You know. Maybe you should write a book or something. You know? About your little blueberry test. Girl.” I said, giving my good, good friend a hug. “You could change the world.” “Yes.” She agreed. “Girlfriends could change the world. But. Hol, we don’t have to change the world. Girlfriends ARE the world.” ------------ About the author: Holly Winter is an adventurer who has become known for sprinkling humor through her extraordinary life that continues to entertain the many thousands of fans here at Useless-Knowledge.com. Whether she is giving advice to the new mayor of Denver, swimming with sting rays at the Cayman Islands, or dealing with the side effects of her epilepsy medication, you will find her positive take on the world to be the perfect accompaniment to each and every part of your week. Look for Holly’s columns every Saturday. Be sure to sign up for an e-mail reminder when her column has been posted at her Yahoo Group where a photo will be posted that goes along with the column. Send a blank e-mail to livingthelifeofholly-subscribe@yahoogroups.com You can contact Holly at her website Livingthelifeofholly.com or email: Holly@livingthelifeofholly.com Comment on this column in the forum. Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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