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May 19, 2004 Defense Secretary Don Rumsfeld, or "Rummy" as he is called informally, has spent the past month writhing like Gulliver under the tiny ropes and cables of his Lilliputian detractors. Everyone from the Rev. Al Sharpton to former Carter administration NSA director Zbigniew Brzezinski is rattling the White House gates, clutching torches and pitchforks, asking Dr. Frankendubya to surrender his monster so the world can be rid of Rummy’s evil. Like any proud parent, though, Dr. Frankendubya is refusing, causing the madding hordes to rattle even harder. Whether they’re still doing so in November remains to be seen. It isn’t easy to keep torches lit that long. To date, however, the President has remained committed to his "no-how" policy -– namely, that no mistakes have been made no how. Double negatives notwithstanding, if Frankendubya’s monster is to continue his peaceful existence -– namely, holding press conferences every so often, squinting and exerting his famously pained smile -– he would do well to come up with some suggestions on how to fix the mess in Iraq. By definition, every problem must have a solution, and Rummy might appease the torch- bearing mob with some innovative possibilities. First, since the prospect of getting shot by any one of the thousands of soldiers we have stationed in Iraq, why not send over Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Randy Johnson? The Big Unit fires his gun-like right arm routinely and with deadly accuracy. The Baltimore Orioles once refused to play against him in a night game because they were afraid they’d never see the ball. He doesn’t just throw smoke -– he throws lightning. Professional baseball has never seen anyone quite like him and, at 40, he’s better than ever. In fact, he just pitched a perfect game against Atlanta the other night. I don’t care what jihad you’re waging, only a fool would risk getting beaned by a guy who can throw like him. Second, the Army Corps of Engineers should build a giant drive-in movie theatre in downtown Baghdad. Even suicide bombers like movies and, once they get all their carbombs parked comfortably in the lot and the movie begins, we can start detonating their cars. If we do it right, it will sound like the theatre's popcorn popper. Some cynics suggest a carbomb roundup like this would take too long, and that it would be easier to simply show movies like "New York Minute," the cinematic equivalent of the H-bomb. I argue that it would be inhumane to subject even our worst enemies to such devastation. In fact, some believe Robert Oppenheimer invented the A-bomb specifically for use in destroying movies starring Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Unfortunately, there is a clause in the SALT II Treaty preventing it. In short, if you hate all things Olsen Twin, you have the visionary leadership of President Jimmy Carter and Soviet Premier Leonid Brezhnev to thank. A third option, thought by some to be perhaps the surest way to win back the hearts and minds of the American people, is to airdrop filmmaker and professional slob Michael Moore into Baghdad. Americans from Alantown, Alaska, to Zanzibar City, Maine, will applaud the measure, hoping it will bring an end to the flood of documentaries and opinion books seemingly spewing from his every nook and cranny. His annoying mannerisms and bleeding-heart tendencies will surely annoy the Iraqi people into behaving -– especially after President Dubya explains that, due to advances in genetics research, we can and will unleash another Michael Moore each day until the many tribes of Iraq work together and act like a civilization. Once this is done, Rummy can get back to the business of ignoring reporters, making pained smiles at the camera and searching for the Bride of Frankendubya. ------------ About the author: Doug Hecox is an accomplished stand-up comedian whose work has appeared in everything from Reader's Digest to the Washington Monthly. His latest book, "Graze Expectations," is available widely. For more information, visit Doug at www.dougfun.com. Email: doug@dougfun.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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