This is not an article written in the spirit of castigation. My mother was an English teacher for more than thirty-five years before she retired; as a citizen, she was a reliable Liberal voter, which makes her (officially, anyway) somewhat odd in the ranks of the Ontario (in Canada) teachers’ federation. A more normal teacher is expected to vote for the social- democratic NDP.

So the introduction at the top might be a surprise, or perhaps the indication of a trap about to be sprung on you. In order to defuse this, let me be as explicit as I can as to what the typical Tory mind is composed of.

The bulwark of the Tory spirit is knowledgable connection with the human condition, often called “the permanent things” within the group. We have a love of variety, of course, but a deep understanding of the attributes of human nature gives us an inner confidence to face the daily changes and short-term trends which have a tendency to consume others.

I’m sure you know that our focus on the centrality of human nature has an overlap with facts found in human biology – that’s precisely why you like poking at us by using terms such as “social Darwinism” to describe our political philosophy.

Darwinism does have its due in the Tory mind, at an informal level. There is a kind of calming and insecurity-reducing soothe in letting the boss’ son assume the reins. Granted that Sonny might lack the genius of Daddy, and might have had a somewhat coddled life, but Junior’s so- called ‘stupidity’ is real evidence that he won’t be a bringer of trouble like his father sometimes was. This is one of our analogs to the “courtesy pass;” if such as distribution of goods is offensive, the use of the term “mere businessman” is an adequate syntactical analog to “gentleman’s ‘C’.”

Speaking of that: you do hear a lot of complaints that seem senseless, now don’t you? Chances are, you have corresponding communication strategies that have none other than the goal to...soothe an angry student, or parent, or parent acting as proxy for an angry student, once it becomes evident that a disclosure of the plain truth makes them unruly.

This, the Tory does all the time, almost as a matter of habit. The most known example is in economics: any Tory that enters into the field of discourse is expected to know the fallacies which pop up from time to time; here’s the standard text. [There’s also a nineteenth-century prologemon - perfect for old-book addicts.] The promulgation of economic nonsense in a prestigious journal such as The Atlantic Monthly or Newsweek is expected to call forth a response similar to yours when a father in a nice suit demands that grades be based upon “effort” while his dewy-eyed son looks at the blackboard.

Granted that this makes the Tory road hard, which seems a relation point between us and you. Being (mostly self-)cast out of the cave of comfort and out into the rock-strewn land of truth does tend to attract spit from people still mentally locked in their comforts. “Loser” is the standard term of abuse here.

Try, at this moment, to find the connection between the Tory and you. When teachers get together to have fun – such as at a retirement party for an old stalwart where the bar is cash instead of open – the more other-aware of you might guess at how the typical member of the Cavern Cohort would react. We face the same thing.

To the point where some Tories actually try to surf the wave of culture vulting. Remember the permanent flower child in your faculty, or perhaps at the school on the other side of town? We treat our would-be culture surfers in the same way, including the use of the same explanation: the vulter is someone that was picked on too much during youth.

Our sympathy for these “culture victims” might be familiar to you too: despite their waywardness, they try hard and can always be counted on. The cost of having these covert eccentrics invoked by Mr. “A” for “Effort” as a precedent seems, at most times, a small cost.

Except when they get unruly, of course, which tends to provoke the appropriate response: “You think you’re [his/her/my] peer?” In the out-of- school world, the person that uses this strategem is, of course, characterized as a bully by those not sympathetic to their underlying goal.

I can’t think of any better way to specify “goal” than this: keeping, as best we can, the human race within the confines of the real, as pointed out by works of: economics; history; philosophy. Flights of fancy may be charming, but us Tories have a basic duty in preventing sweet-sizzled self-absorption from gaining legitimacy.

In otherwords: that answer might be “creative,” but it’s still wrong. Better luck next time.

Granted that the authority we have is not as exact as the textbook and the lesson plan, so we tend to assume personal poses of authority which the bulk of us seriously try to live up to. This is because departure from the tried-and-true curriculum in the world of politics or culture has a much longer feedback cycle than the test- and-exam one, and the existence of intruding events does muddy that feedback process in a way not found in the classroom. The best analogy for what we have to face would be the collapse of all subjects into homeroom – all teachers for each subject present at the same time - without any fixed plan specifying the time or place to shift from one subject to the other. This is close to what the economist faces when trying to forecast what the Federal Reserve’s actions will have on the economy.

Granted that there is an antipathy between teachers and Tories, in large part because of the combination of the “loser” sting and the resultant resolution of the consequent adolescent insecurity by the Tory type through expressing dislike or even hatred of school. There’s also another factor: the Tory does tend to have a fondness for the athletic type of soul, whose antipathy to the classroom springs from other sources.

You’ve probably got your guard up at this point. “What’s Dan’s game here? What is his hidden agenda?”

Given this natural skepticism on your part, I might as well show what I’ve been hiding behind my back:

This similarity of spirit is recognized by other factions in the Democratic Party – you know which one springs to mind first – who use it to regularly laugh at you behind your back as “Tories” already.

That misty-eyed look has to come from somewhere, doesn’t it? As does a certain fanaticism, aimed right at none other than you.

And us, sometimes.