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Feb 27, 2003 As the mad dash for duct tape and plastic wrap continues, the country braces itself for continuing Orange Alerts across the nation. Director of Homeland Security Tom Rich is calling for Americans to remain "aware" and not panic over the unlikely possibility of a bio-terrorist attack. Home Depots and other hardware stores are selling duct tape by the mile and plastic wrap is hard to come by as well. Will the NASDAQ index be driven up soley from the economic upswing propelled by the purchase of mass quantities of Duct tape and palstic wrap? The economic future of America just might be saved by the Department of Homeland Security. Here is the theory as I see it. Duct tape and plastic wrap is found in places like Home Depot and Lowes Hardware. These are enormous stores with hundreds of stores across the country. With the increase in sales of two relatively expensive products. (Can you imagine how much plastic wrap it would take to cover a house?) profits will soar. Increased profits will inevitibly lead to more store openings and more store openings will lead to a branch in taxation, both on the local and federal level. Consider this: More store openings will lead to more property taxes and more chances for people to shop, thereby offering up more opportunity to collect taxes on purchases. This increased tax base stimulates the economy, a stimulated economy means more jobs and the cycle of financial upward mobility continues. This is the secret Bush tax plan that hasn't even been thought of yet. When it does, Bush will be hailed as a hero, his popularity will skyrocket and he'll be a shoe in for term number 2. Can you say conspiracy? But there is a problem. Everyone and their second cousin is out buying duct tape and visquine without an inkling as to what it's for. So, we have these enormous stockpiles of adhesive and plastic sheeting without any instructions. Now, the obvious assumption is that you use the tape to connect the plastic to the house in some way. But do you wrap the entire home, just the front or just the back? Maybe you just cover the pool so terrorists can't go swimming. Consider that for a moment. We could bring down Al Qaeda by simply ruining their vacation plans. No swimming pool access translates into unhappy suicide bombers and you can't have a good uprising without happy terrorists, properly relaxed and refreshed. This is the state of affairs in our country. Everyone was in such an upoar about being at Orange Alert and rushing the hardware stores to buy items for terrorist preparedness kits that we forgot to think for a moment about how unlikely a large scale attack would be. For those in the DC area, or in Manhattan, perhaps a modicum of caution is warranted. It is, however, the unlikeliest of scenarios that terrorists would target Crown Pointe , Indiana with a dirty bomb,or poison food at the Twelve Pines Restaurant there. In those locales where people aren't quite as endangered as their East-Coast counterparts, perhaps they could use their duct tape and visquine to make arts and crafts projects. A giant tape and plastic ball might be nice (and increase tourism). You could make some sort of plastic and tape reenforced snow sled and have annual races through the town square. Add those festivities to a charge to see the giant plastic and tape ball and what we have here is an annual event guaranteed to increase revenue in an otherwise blue-collar town. Now there is a little known bombshell of a story circulating that claims that Vice President Dick Cheney (remember him?) sits on the board of directors of a company responsible for the manufacture of 90% of the world's duct tape and plastic wrap. This is a true story. It was broadcast on MSNBC (and soon after that reporter was never heard from again). The fact remains that there may have been a true conspiracy here and it has nothing to do with using scare tactics to keep the public in check. If this turns out to be true, then where does it end? Will we soon find out that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is a 90% shareholder in a company that manufactures most of the US's military hardware? Will it be revealed that Laura Bush is a silent partner in a company that prints propoganda leaflets being dropped over Iraq and Afganistan? Will it ever end? And now it has been determined that the terrorist threat level has been lowered to Yellow. Good people of Crown Pointe, Indiana, you're in the clear. Start rolling that tape ball and laying down that plastic, snow's a comin'! About the author: Bruno Moore is a television traffic reporter by trade. He appears daily on WPTV NewsChannel 5, The West Palm Beach,Florida NBC affilliate. He also appears on various West Palm Beach radio stations reporting traffic conditions during morning and afternoon drives. Aside from his duties as a traffic rporter, he reports regularly for The Observer, a local weekly newspaper. When he's not trying his hand at being a media guru, he enjoys spending time with his fiancee' Gretchen and their 18 month old son Cameron. Email Bruno Moore: gottico2@hotmail.com ------------ Comment on this column in the forum. ------------ |
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