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May 31, 2004 We come from a big family. My daughter has many cousins ages ranging from 2-11. My daughter is one of the younger children. She cries a lot because one of her cousins, who is one year older, tends to tease her and antagonize her. Most of the time his parents do not acknowledge his negative behavior. And I feel as though I am constantly asking my four-year-old daughter to "play nice" whereas my sister-in-law does not say anything to her own child when he is wrong. I have tried many times to pull her out of situations where I feel they are getting out of hand. Should I involve my self more in play with the children, so that they have more of a structured play time while the other parents are socializing? I feel that my daughter is always trying to keep up with defending herself from her cousin. I also notice that they usually get a long better when they haven't seen each other for a while. Most of the time after everyone has left, I will complement my daughter on her good behavior and mention some of the things that were not nice as far as not sharing. I know I sound defensive, but we are at family gatherings a lot, and it seems as though she tends to complain a lot. Please help! I just want to be able to nurture her in a healthy way, rather than damage her psychologically !!! I want to start by commending you on your
concerns for your child’s mental health. I think it is great
that you care so much. I also think it’s a great idea that
you talk to her after the events. I think many children and even adults face similar
problems at some point in their life. These tests that we
face are extremely important. The way you handle it will
serve as a guide for your daughter to learn to deal with
people in the future when you’re not around. I believe it is important to let children play on their
own so they can learn to work out their own problems.
For instance, if children are having trouble sharing, they
will learn to solve their own problems if the parents stay
out of the disagreement. When mom and dad are
constantly jumping in, children will look to the them to
solve all of their problems throughout their life. I believe it is our job as parents to tell our children
what we have learned, but then allow them to make a
decision on how to handle it, even at four year old.
Even if you have an urge to correct your child for what
you know will be a mistake, don’t. Let her make her
own mistakes and then she will learn from them. I
believe that parents who try to force a decision on their
children will inevitably find them rebelling later. This advice only apples to minor squabbles,
though. Because your child is being antagonized, she
needs to feel like she has an ally in you. Have you tried talking to your sister-in-law about
the problem? This probably won’t solve the entire
problem, but it will open the lines of communication
about it. Even though she hasn’t commented on his
behavior in the past, knowing that it has become a
problem to you could provoke her to think about saying
something next time. The most important thing is to talk to your daughter
about good ways to deal with it. Ask her what she thinks
you all could do about it. Then offer some suggestions
of your own. Let her know that this is her problem, but
you are on her side all the way. A possible solution is for her to tell her cousin that
when he acts mean towards her, she is going to choose
not play with him temporarily. Help her to follow through
with it, even if it means breaking away from adult
conversation. I think it’s a good idea to allow her to
make the choice to remove herself from the situation if it
gets out of control. Let her know that this is an option for
her. My advice to you is to involve yourself less on the
minor issues, and step in only when you are truly
needed. Oftentimes, children will find a way to work out
their own problems without parents.
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