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Sept 5, 2003 Q: What would be worse than Arnold Schwarzenegger as Governor of California? A: Gray Davis, the aptly named current head of state. The current state of politics in California would make an interesting movie, but the current state of Hollywood movies is such that someone right now is probably casting the big screen remake of My Mother the Car. The so-called land of fruits and nuts has produced a slew of candidates worthy of its nickname. Arnold Schwarzenegger has emerged as a frontrunner, primarily due to Americans whose inability to separate movies from real life is astounding. Sure, the thought of Arnold opening fire on the legislature, all the while muttering a pithy catch phrase in broken English, is an appealing one, but, despite inherent distrust of politicians, the citizens of California will probably demand the same things from Schwarzenegger that they were given by Davis; i.e. cronyism, ballooning, inefficient social programs with no real results, and even more money for what is one of the worst public school states in the nation. But, with hard-hitting, old school political advisers like Rob Lowe, Schwarzenegger has shown just how serious he is about tackling Californias fiscal crisis. However, recent attempts by the Schwarzenegger campaign to portray their candidate as a monosyllabic, dope-smoking, orgy attendee are rightly seen as a transparent attempt to court the Hollywood vote. Arianna Huffington is also in the fray, if we needed any more proof that our God is a funny God. My favorite thing to do when Arianna is on TV is to close my eyes and decide which Gabor sister she most sounds like. I say Eva, most of my friends say Zsa-Zsa, and one smart aleck I know says Magda. The first time I ever heard of Arianna Huffington was a spring day, with a lot of pollen in the air. I remember this because of her outspoken ultra-conservative views, that, when I sneezed, became far-left social-populism. I always love it when multi-millionaires embrace populism and pretend to hobnob with the very people their employees routinely protect them from. Remember, S.U.V.s and private jets are okay for people like Huffington, but not for you or me. Oligarchy, anyone? Gary Different Strokes Coleman is also running, and his slogan Whatchu talkin bout, Davis is probably the best of the campaign. Coleman, like California, was once wealthy, but now has to count every penny. He grew up in a multi-racial TV family, and has developed the tough, steely exterior that every short kid needs to get through life. He saw the ravages of drugs and crime firsthand, from his cast mates. He even has a little foreign relations experience, from dealing with the staunch Canadian who played his father, Conrad Bain. Though now staring down middle age from a near-the-horizon perspective, the personally and financially chaste Coleman may be the true Peoples Candidate. Hes even been endorsed by one paper, though, on second thought, maybe they were joking. No word yet on whether Todd Bridges or Charlotte Raye will join the Coleman campaign as advisers. The Gray Davis story is the story of the emperor with no clothes come to life. In the no clothes department, we have porn star Mary Carey and porn magnate, ringer for Jabba-the-Hut, Larry Flynt. Can the naked corruption of the Davis Administration compare with the naked careers of these two? We wont have to worry about what Mary Carey has up her sleeve, I guess. But will Larry Flynts coals to Newcastle entrepreneurial skills work with a state in need of tough love? Unfortunately for the Golden State, Carey and Flynt are probably the most uniquely qualified candidates in the race. And, the most uniquely Californian. Sure, there are plenty more people on the California ballot, which is just slightly smaller than the L.A. White Pages. Cruz Bustamante, whose chief qualification as the Lieutenant Governor is also his chief liability; Peter Ueberroth, who helped make Major League Baseball the well-oiled machine we see today; Tom McClintock, who might as well be running for Bacon Commissioner in Tel Aviv; and fruit-destroying comedian Gallagher, who promises to take a $15 Home Depot sledgehammer to the budget deficit. There are dozens of others, each qualified in his or her own way. The old clichi is that the people get the leadership they deserve. Some would say California is reaping some kind of karmic whirlwind. But, after suffering for years from pandering low brow television programs, soulless big budget creatively barren films, teen pop terrorism, and dancing raisins, much of America looks at the smugness and supposed superiority of California and chuckles. And, knowing California, this election will probably produce a more expensive, inferior sequel. ------------ Email Tory Troutman: torytroutman@yahoo.com Comment on this column in the forum. Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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