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Feb 12, 2004 I’ve come to the realization that laundry is easy if I approach it in the right frame of mind. Which is to say I don’t approach it at all and let someone else like, say, my wife, deal with it. I’ve tried doing laundry before. I typically use the ‘whatever fits’ method of washing clothes, wherein I stuff the washer to its fullest capacity, toss some kind of soap in (it could be Tide or my daughter’s bubble-bath soap, I really don’t care), push some random button to make the washer start doing its thing, then walk away. I only come back when the washer has stopped for a while or when it gets an ‘unbalanced load’ and starts clanking back and forth like it’s possessed by some obscure laundry demon. My wife, on the other hand, has 547 categories of laundry including, but not limited to: “whites,” “dark colors,” “light colors,” “colors that only bleed on things you don’t want ruined,” “colors that change if you’ve recently eaten Kung Pao chicken,” “clothes that will shrink if you dry them,” “clothes that shrink if you wash them,” “clothes that will shrink if you wear them,” and “clothes that will change colors and bleed if they shrink.” And, of course, all of these different categories require that you actually pay attention to the little knob thingies on the washing machine because, apparently, the machine does more than simply ‘wash’ the clothes. For example, when set to “Perma-Press,” the washing machine lovingly handles each piece of clothing, using a series of complex maneuvers to gently knead all of the dirt and body odor out of it and basically turns the inside of the washer into a massage parlor for clothes. The “Regular” cycle, though, is like a mosh pit. All the clothes are flung about willy- nilly, slamming into each other hard enough to atomize the dirt and odor particles and exercising a wanton disregard for the ‘personal space’ of your clothing. Anybody who knows ANYTHING about washing clothes will never, ever, ever, EVER use this setting to wash anything except barbecue-pit covers. At least this is the lecture that my wife gave me, which also included the ominous warning that I could ‘wash my own clothes’ if I didn’t stop pulling things out of the hamper and re-wearing them. She insisted that I wear clothes that have already been, technically, washed. That’s all well and good, but the hamper is RIGHT HERE in the closet, whereas I actually have to walk ACROSS THE BEDROOM to get to the drawers where my clean clothes reside. I don’t know about YOU but, when I’m stumbling around in the morning getting dressed for work, stumbling across a darkened bedroom with one eye closed is not a good idea, especially if you have pets, kids or other relatives that sleep on the floor. Besides, I personally don’t see the harm in digging something out of the hamper and wearing it again. A little cologne and meat tenderizer do a lot to lengthen a shirt’s wearable life. I say that, if you can’t SEE the dirt, it’s not really there. Regardless of this attitude, however, I typically wear clean clothes because my wife devotes more time to that than most people do to obtaining a college degree. So, guys, the next time you see your significant other stuffing a load of your smelly socks into the washing machine with the handle of a broom, just remember that she’s doing you a favor. In fact, you should walk up behind her, put your arms around her waist and kiss her cheek. Then you should whisper in her ear, “Don’t forget to set that to Perma-Press.” ------------ Email Brett W. Robertson: fast_gto@yahoo.com Comment on this column in the forum. Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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