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Feb 1, 2004 This week’s focus is on the Worst Holiday in the Milky Way Galaxy, Valentine’s Day. I realize that representatives from Hallmark are probably en route to my house with stun guns in hand, ready to make me pay for my harsh words. But the truth is, it’s a terrible holiday. For single people, it means devouring eight liters of Ben and Jerry’s Quintuple Chocolate Earthquake, sitting through at least two tragic romance movies where the main characters a) die or b) become impotent, and hurling garbage or dead fish on any happy couple they encounter. Sadly, it isn’t any easier being in a relationship. Most of us are still trying to figure out how we spent nine thousand dollars on Christmas gifts. Now we’re faced with finding something original enough to be cherished, but cheap enough to buy using only our stash of empty beer cans. But it doesn’t stop there. It has to be thoughtful. It has to be special. It has to exude love, devotion, dedication, and all that other junk that keeps our significant other from leaving us for someone successful or hot. We understand why Cupid is the symbol for Valentine’s Day. For most of us, having to search for the perfect gift is akin to a well- placed arrow in the pancreas. What makes it particularly difficult is that women expect their men to put some effort into planning the perfect Valentine’s Day. This is a lot to ask of guys, because most of us can barely plan a normal day. And that goes for any day of the week, except Sunday, when we’re perfectly happy to lie in our boxers all day, eating chicken wings in bed and watching 17 consecutive hours of football (not many women would enjoy doing these things on Valentine’s Day, but if you find one who does, hang on to her!) So we usually end up throwing something together involving flowers, chocolate, a nauseatingly cute plush animal, and a fancy dinner. Does anyone else find something wrong with this whole package? Flowers die in four days. Chocolate and fancy dinners make us fat. And plush toys make great chew-toys for dogs and babies, but they don’t do much else. So with originality in mind, if you’re looking for something different to do on Feb. 14, and you happen to be in the Bangkok area, then do I have an activity for you! For the eighth straight year, couples from Thailand and abroad will take part in a mass underwater wedding in Trang province to commemorate Valentine’s Day. Bride and groom get decked out in scuba gear, exchange vows and rings under the sea, and even sign waterproof marriage licenses (no word on whether seafood is the mandatory reception meal.) A mass underwater wedding! Those wacky Thais sure know how to weird up Valentine’s Day, don’t they? Mind you, this is the same country that married two pairs of elephants in a Valentine’s Day ceremony three years ago. Seriously. The poor pachyderms were ensconced in giant yellow and orange muumuus before being paraded around as husband and wife, as jubilant Thais looked on. In my opinion, this has to be about the worst thing you can do to a male elephant. Not only are you forcing him to get married (no more using your trunk to scratch yourself in public), you’re also dressing him up like a 3-ton piñata. You might as well just singe off his genitalia, while you’re at it. So if you’re in a relationship and you can’t figure out what to do on Feb. 14, my advice to you is simple: Skip it. Sleep through Valentine’s Day, if you have to. Fake illness or death, or better yet, eat a whole bunch of bad meat so you won’t have to pretend (worked for me in ’99.) Guys, if she complains, tell her you’d rather find a less clichéd day to spoil her, a day that can be yours and yours alone. That should buy you two weeks of peace before she comes whining to you again. And if all else fails, then swallow hard, admit you’ve been beaten, and be thankful you don’t live in Thailand. ------------ About the author: James Bisson is a reporter/editor for Canadian Press in Toronto. So yes, he does have a real job. And no, he's not in a mental institution. Yet. Email James A. Bisson: jbisson@cp.org Comment on this column in the forum. Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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