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Sept. 26, 2004 All my life I wanted to be a writer. My parents bought notebook on top of notebook for me to write short stories, poems, novels. Whatever I felt like writing that day. In the 11th grade, I wrote an entire novel (which I found out was 132 printed pages when I went home and copied it from notebook to PC)in 7 hours. Everyone around me told me I was the writer. The creative one. One of my grandmother's dying wishes was that I write a novel based on an idea she had. I've yet to write it, but I will. As children we are impressionable and we believe what the grown-ups tell us. Yes, there is a Santa Claus. Yes, there is a tiny fairy that takes the tooth from under your pillow and leaves money. Yes, you can be anything you want to be. And slowly but surely, as we grow older, we begin to realize the lies that are being told to us. There is no Santa, found that out at 5. There is no tooth fairy, found that out at 9. And today I realized that you can't just be whatever you want to be. You can work your butt off trying to be it, but you may never acomplish what you are going for. If you're an actor, you can go to the auditions and the casting calls and all that, but that doesn't mean you're going to be the next Tom Cruise. You very well may not ever be in any movie at any time. If you're a writer, you can write all you want, but it doesn't necessarily mean that anyone will ever read your novel or that it will even be published. The world that we were promised as children is not the world that we were given as adults. You try and you strive, you find someone to admire. And then they overdose, or quit, or leave, or die, or let you down someway, somehow. But you continue to strive, and you continue to fail. And every once in awhile, someone will come up behind you, give you a speech about how it will all be okay and the world can't stay bad and hopeless forever and you carry on, only to be disappointed again. Because, it has come to my attention, that mankind in general, not one person or another, just mankind in general, is foolish. Mankind is just a bunch of people from different backgrounds striving and trying and being foolish. Foolishly admiring one person or another instead of looking deep into themselves for the inspiration they need. Mankind relies too much on other people to survive. I know I do. I know the people in my life and the people that I have met in passing do. Just a bunch of people looking for other people to help inspire them in one way or another. Be in emotionally, creatively, sexually, mentally, physically. We're just looking to be inspired. To be shown the way and it's not going to happen. Maybe I am too angry. But that's the way it is right now. I guess I just don't have that person to inspire me right now. Just kind of hanging in the wind. ------------ About the author L.J. Chapman: I am 24 years old and I live in Massachusetts with my two children. I am going to be getting married to my fiance' Josh, in October of 2005. I have written several poems for poetry.com and I am in the middle of writing my first novel "The Checkered Blanket" which is a work of fiction. Email: bipolar_bear80@hotmail.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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