My Ex-Boyfriend's Name Is "Fear"

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My Ex-Boyfriend's Name Is "Fear"

By L.J. Chapman
Oct. 31, 2004

It was once said that "There is nothing to fear but fear itself." I believe in my heart that whomever said that, I think it was Roosevelt, quite obviously never had the dreaded psychoitc ex-boyfriend.

Now once upon a time, many years ago, I had the abusive boyfriend. The jerk who can and will take down any woman, but will back down when it comes to facing a man. That ended in the usual restraining order, and it's been almost 5 years since the order was put out and I've only seen him once since. I'm not talking about the abusive boyfriend, I'm talking about the really nice to you, kind of possessive when you're dating them, then turns into Mr. Hyde when you break-up with them, leaving you with some menacing sentence of a vauge threat, possibly not a threat, to remember them by. I'm talking about those guys. Mine came back.

See, last year, March to be exact, I began dating this beautiful, kinda metrosexual, kinda guy. He was sweet, bought me flowers and presents, gave me massives amounts of sex, at whatever time I wanted (he was about 5 years younger than me), and it wasn't long after my twenty-third birthday that my son and I moved in with him. We dated for six months. By the end of the six months, I had lost all contact with my friends, been in the hospital twice for asthma attacks, and my mother had taken basic custody of my then one year old son, because I was under the influence so much I was unable to take care of him. I don't know what happened to me in that six months, but I was under the thumb of someone who I could have taken down in seconds. Granted, he never hit me, or physically abused me in any way, but I swear to God he could have, and that's the fear that lead to the eventual downfall of what could have otherwise been an amicable break-up.

I admit it was not cool of me to leave him the day before his ninteenth birthday. And I admit it was not cool for me to leave him for my now fiance (who at the time was the guy I had dated before him). And I admit it was not cool that my now fiance was in jail at the time that I left him. There were alot of not cool things in the situation that were mine. But as I said good-bye he said this to me, "You're going to wind up pregnant in less than two months, have the baby and he's going to leave you or go back to jail. How could you leave me for a crack addict?" Granted, he was kind of right, I was pregnant a month and a half later, and my fiance was hauled off to jail 10 days after our daughter was born, but it was still kind of mean of him to say. And his final words to me were: "I will get you." Creepy, but okay whatever. About four months later, I got wind he had moved to California, under the rumor that he couldn't be in the same state with me.

So he's three thousand miles away for about a year. And he's back. In my area. In the town I hang out in. Standing outside my mother's work, smiling in and waving at my mom. He's back... and those words echo in my brain as I sit at the computer writing these words, those final words ring in my head, "I will get you."

Get me how? You're going to kill me? You're going to get me to be your girlfriend again? You're going to kidnap me? Rape me? Get me back for what I did to you? How are you going to get me? How crypic can you be? My doors are locked and so are my windows. I don't want to go outside. I'm afriad. I don't know why. As I said before, I could take the kid down in seconds if it's neccesary, Buddhist or not. But I am afraid. I wish my fiance were here to be big and mean and tell me not to be scared or paranoid. But he's not.

So if there is nothing to fear but fear itself, then my ex-boyfriend's name is Fear.

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About the author L.J. Chapman: I am a 24 year old mother of two. I am getting married June 4, 2005 to my fiance', Josh. I am in the middle of writing my first novel, "The Checked Blanket" which I hope to have finished by the end of the year. I have several poems on poetry.com.

Email: bipolar_bear80@hotmail.com

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