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Oct. 29, 2004 Hurry up Election Day. If I see another slanderous ad by either party, I’m going to throw up on my shoes. Now, the last time I threw up on my shoes was in 1970 when my son was born. I smoked a half a box of cheap It’s a Boy cigars and a fifth of cheap vodka (straight up). Before that, I threw up on my shoes in Denver when I learned that I was heading for Vietnam. The army had great plans for my outfit. I drank a half-gallon of cheap wine. I don’t drink much any longer; my liver can’t handle it. My body reacts weird when I fill it full of alien liquid. Although, I still imbibe on holidays and farewell parties for employees where I work. Since this is a family magazine, I’ll cut to the chase. I’ll get right to the bare bones of my article. I want to announce today how much I love Fridays. It’s the day to which I look forward. In fact, I’m obsessed with the idea of Friday. I am in therapy today because of this obsession with Friday. My therapist told me I should look forward to every day of my life. I can’t. I am afraid of enjoying Monday and the other days. I am afraid that if I like those days, Friday won’t seem that important to me. My therapist has asked the psychiatrist to prescribe medication. He said that maybe Valium would be good for me. I asked him if he would give it to me on Thursday. Thursday isn’t an important day for me. It’s all about me you see. I talked to my boss today. He told me I needed to keep working on Friday (I wanted the day off) because people are supposed to work on Friday. Friday, he said, is the gateway to the weekend. I never thought of it that way. My boss opened my mind to my obsession. I’ve decided to give Saturday and Sunday a chance to win my heart, but Sunday is too close to Monday. Anyway, Tuesday and Wednesday really are bad. I can’t stand either one of them. They are just “out there” somewhere. They make no sense to me.
Wednesday is okay I guess. We had a
lunar eclipse on Wednesday. Okay, okay, maybe
Tuesday is no good. Although, Tuesday is
Election Day and my big chance to vote for my
favorite Vietnam vet (oh, that’s right, only one
candidate is a legitimate vet). I keep
forgetting that the one candidate skipped town
when called to duty, probably drinking a beer in
that tavern across from Halliburton. Nah,
Halliburton didn’t exist back then, did it?
Probably not, but then again that candidate
didn’t exist back then because he was AWOL.
Funny, he has called all the Reserves into
action for Iraq. Heck, if he were in the guards
today he’d have to fly a plane (look out sky).
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