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Nov. 2, 2004 "If I traded it all, if I gave it all away for one thing, just for one thing. If I sorted it out, if I knew all about this one thing... wouldn't that be something." -Finger Eleven, 'One Thing' If the open line from a new song is any indtication, you can tell where my brain has been lately. Not where it's supposed to be. See, that song has been running through my head for three days straight, and with each passing day, it gets louder and louder. That song, and "Pieces of Me" by Ashlee Simpson... I could tell you the story, but it would take all night. I have always lived my life under the strict rule that I would die with no regrets. Well, I've already broken it, as I already have one regret, but one regret in 24 years is pretty good. Or to put it simply, as he said to me earlier today, "if you died today, and God said you could live your life all over again, but you wouldn't know it, but you had to live it exactly the way you just did... would you?" And my answer is a resounding YES! Of course I would. Even with the bad, I'm proud of the person I am today. Or at least the person I was eleven days ago. Eleven days ago, I decided to stop smoking. If I could inhale it, and it contained nicoteine and/or was considered a class D substance, I decided to no longer smoke it. I am going to live the clean life. Sober. No more smoking, no more high. Life as it comes, no more gripping onto something for help. Just me. Oh no, just me. I'm alone. No one else I know quit anything. I know a few people who picked some habits up, but not one person who has quit. Lo and Behold... what is this. A new friend. Someone who has been on my Yahoo buddy list for months, that I've spoken to a handful of times. He's quitting smoking too. He's alone. He's doing it for a girl. Okay, well, I'm not stopping for a guy, but I guess we can help each other out. Eleven days... eleven days. That's like 264 hours. I think, my math may be off. I can't think straight anymore. So eleven days is all it took for someone to come in and completely turn my world upside down. Innocent jokes, let's meet up, didn't happen. Call each other once a day, call each other three times a day, let's meet up, didn't happen. Let's chill, let's laugh, let's be bestest friends in the whole wide world, let's talk on the phone for 4 hours straight, and don't forget to add that with the two hours we just talked on IM. What the hell is happening here? Why can't I think stratight? Is it because I'm not throwing checmicals in my body left and right. No more drug, no more cigarette, no more lithium, no more klonopin. Maybe that's why my world seems to be spinning around in horrible fast circles with the constant feeling that I'm falling. Maybe it's because I'm smiling alot... if you smile too much, you'll cut off the oxygen supply to your brain. But I don't smile. I hate my smile and I hate smiling. But I do it all the time now. ALL THE TIME!! AND I'M HAPPY TOO!!! Not only am I smiling all the time, I'm happy. I'm not a happy person! I'm miserable. My fiance' is in jail. I'm raising two kids without a father figure. But here I am smiling. Here I am happy. And the world in my brain continues to spin. And if I close my eyes, I feel like I'm falling off a cliff. I feel the wind in my hair as I plumment 300 feet per second (I guess it's a really big cliff), I feel myself spinning in a constant circle. Not quite sure what was going on. Sometimes you walk into something with "good intentions" (as he says) and you walk out with something else. Something completely different. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, and I think the part I hate the most, is that I don't hate it. "Even though I know, I don't want to know, well, I guess I know, I just hate how it sounds." I don't know how to say it, or what is going on, but sometimes, the lyrics of a song just make sense. For the first time in your life, they just make sense. ------------ About the author L.J. Chapman: I am a 24 year old mother of two. I am getting married June 4, 2005 to my fiance', Josh. I am in the middle of writing my first novel, "The Checked Blanket" which I hope to have finished by the end of the year. I have several poems on poetry.com. Email: bipolar_bear80@hotmail.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
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