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May 29, 2004 During the past few months, I've spent time with my friend Robyn. I feel the need to help her however I can. She has suffered greatly in the past year or two. Both of her parents recently died, Jonathan, her boyfriend, left her and her sister and brother are either condescending to her or downright mean. She is floundering. These are great losses. Beneath her constant self-involvement and her finger on the pulse of every emotion and resulting reaction is someone who feels very alone. But I see openness in her and a willingness to grow. I see myself in her several years ago. I too was incredibly needy and co-dependent, in my case with my mother, but I am learning now how aggravating it can be when someone leans on a person too heavily. Some people may like the power trip of enabling someone else, keeping him or her down and in subordination. I believe Jonathan and her parents kept her from growing up, turning to her own inner resources, learing how exasperating it can be to be the recipient, the dumping ground of someone's every last detail of one's life, every emotion, every reaction of someone's self-absorbed life. I was like Robyn with my own mother. I have empathy for both my mother and Robyn because I have seen both sides. I realize that after all those years of leaning on my mother day in and day out, now Robyn is in my life so that we can both learn from each other and grow together. I can help her to learn to rely on herself and for me to continue on the path of relying on myself and being reminded not to slide back into old ways. I did call my mother recently and it was like talking to a peer. It was very nice, a give and take. Growing up is seeing that my mother is fallible and human with defects. I had to hate my mother and sisters initially to create a distance and learn to rely on myself. Though I was an adult, I was like a teenager again rebelling from and turning away from my family. I recently opened another door a crack. I called my sister on her birthday after several years of estrangement. Many years ago, we had a strong, special connection. But over the years, there was resentment and jealousy that acted as wedges that separated us. I remember when she wrote me a very sweet letter when we were children and I went off to camp, leaving the family for the first time. I was always going away somewhere, leaving her behind, either to camp, East Hampton to work as a mother's helper, Boston and Spain to study at universities. Or, I was going away in my mind, leaving behind the familiarity of home and her, my little sister. I went away on a long trip through darkness for years, but am emerging day by day into the light. I see her. She had been waiting for me to emerge from the cave of decay and insanity. I see her now. Though I was damaged like a beautiful crystal vase shattered to pieces, I am not made of delicate glass. I am strong and still alive and kicking. I have been graced with a home where I feel safe, loved, at peace. I am convinced that the home was meant for my husband and me. We live here with our thirteen year old cat. Our yard has a spruce tree that I planted at Christmas and is surrounded by orange and purple pansies. It is a house that welcomes people. We have had wonderful parties. Our home is cozy and comfortable. Sun shines through french doors. A windchime hangs outside and sings when the wind blows. I am grateful for life today. I know I don't want to fight with people anymore. I want to live a life of gentle peace. I am a flower in bloom all year, blossoming radiantly with vivid colors. My soul shines like glistening beads of water on a deep blue ocean, sparkling diamonds reflected from the sun. ------------ Email Victoria Molta: VMolta@aol.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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