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May 26, 2004 The title is only amusing if you play the board game Risk (although, if, in the course of the game, you take and try to hold only the continent of Africa, you’ll lose the game—too many attack points). All too often, unless you’re a master of “useless trivia” or possess a lot of “fun facts,” you miss a key element or if you’re not a party to a never-ending story, you just don’t get it. Like “Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.” It is poignant if you know it was said by former North Carolina State University head basketball coach Jimmy Valvano following his being diagnosed with cancer; otherwise, it’s just a nice quote about perseverance. Some things become humorous of their own, such as Union General John Sedgwick’s final words. You needn’t be schooled in rifles and firearms to find humor in “Nonsense, they couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist--.” And the circumstances surrounding Irene Ryan’s (Granny Clampett’s) death were anything but somber. She had just sung “It’s time to keep living” on Broadway in Pippin and suffered a fatal stroke. In college, a writing exercise encouraged students to find “incredible realities” (the everyday things that seem a bit unreal). After his less-than-exciting audition, an American Idol wannabee told the panel of judges of his lack of formal musical training. Said arbiter Simon Cowle, “There’s the shock of the century.” A child, when asked what she wanted to be when she grew up answered “Taller.” And on Little Rock TV, there was Bozo. During a live segment, one of the children grabbed Bozo’s fake round nose, prompting the actor, who’s obviously had a really bad day, to quickly draw away and blurt out, “Don’t touch Bozo’s nose. You touch Bozo’s nose, you better watch Bozo’s foot.” Following a weekend of torrential downpours, some dogs took advantage of the soft ground and dug under the fence to get out and roam the neighborhood. It’s probably not the best idea for the owner to open the back door and yell “Damn diggers!” A motorist, stopped by local law enforcement, was told by the officer “One of us is in the wrong place at the wrong time.” Said the driver, “Must be you; I come by here every day at this time.” Small, usually tan, Toyota or Yamaha pick-up trucks (the ones that someday hope to be real trucks) lead the procession when moving a house, mobile home or other large object. Apparently, no one had removed its work sign because all by its lonesome on the highway, the notice proudly boasted “Wide Load.” My favorite everyday thing was a billboard by Reading is Fundamental or some similar campaign for adult literacy. It was up about a week before they realized their mistake. It advised "If you can't read this, call 1 (800) 282-1379." Think about it. In the Cincinnati area, in the 1960s and ‘70s, there is the husband and wife team of Uncle Al and Captain Wendy on WCPO, the local CBS affiliate, and Skipper Ryle on WKRC (the ABC station). Recently, I see an article about Uncle Al on the internet which, via the intro, makes it sound as though the show is still in production. Is the station planning to wheel out some skeletons for the kids to play with? That might work all right around Halloween but what about the rest of the year? Aren’t a lot of people around who remember where they were when Archduke Ferdinand is shot. Skipper Ryle is far more conservative than is Uncle Al. On Al Lewis’ show, they have talking potted plants, fence posts, loaves of bread—essentially, if it’s on the set, it talks. A young man is mumbling something to himself on the Skipper Ryle show when Glen Ryle, the host, says, “We don’t talk to walls on this show, kid. We talk to other people and some folks talk to plants and pets but that’s pretty much it.” And if you’ve never seen The Paul Dixon Show, there’s really no way to describe Paul-baby or the Wicked Women of Withamsville and do them justice— the same with Bob Shreve’s Past Prime Playhouse. So much of their humor is of a visual nature and words can’t describe it properly. Quite simply…you had to be there. As a kid, I think they’re saying in the theme song the word “Jew” in The New Zoo Review instead of “Zoo”. For the life of me, I don’t understand what Freddie the Frog and Henrietta Hippo have to do with the Hebrew faith. In the introduction for H. R. Puff-n-stuff, the lyrics are “Can’t do a little ‘cause he can’t do enough” and not “Can’t get a little ‘cause he can’t get enough.” If you learn something wrong, you remember it wrong, too. That Puff-n- stuff gets around. Sounds like a really bad episode of Touched by an Angel set in a home for wayward priests—Touched by an Uncle. Some things or words don’t belong or sound silly when put together; military intelligence being the best known; the IRS Helpline, religious intolerance, low fat Twinkies, voluntary compliance and criminal justice are others. And some phrases have so much repetition they are not funny anymore; sure, they’re amusing the first twenty or thirty times…. “Where’s the beef?”, “ “I’ve fallen and I can’t get to the bar”, “Isn’t that special?”, “Like butter”, “Can we talk?” and “That’s the ticket” are all phrases I think I’ve heard enough. The United States is by no means alone, but is the leader at coming up with words and phrases that do nothing to describe what they’re talking about, for instance the self- explanatory “shell-shocked,” coined during the first “War to end all wars,” has become “post- traumatic stress disorder.” If you didn’t already know what “collateral damage” was, would you know it refers to dead civilians? Once in a while, somebody says something that leaves you thinking, “I can’t believe he just said that.” As when, on an episode of Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, in a faux Dinah Shore Show, the actress playing Loretta says, when talking of how nice the Jewish show personnel are, “They are so nice; you’d never guess they’re the ones what killed our Lord and all.” At least it was a planned spoof. Sometimes, statements seem to you too stupid to warrant a response, such as, following John Lennon’s assassination, someone says, “I heard on the radio that John Lennon was in a band with Paul McCartney before Wings.” People can say “new” and “clear” so why do some, even U.S. presidents, say “nuculur?” I tend to discount anything they have to say on the subject. If someone can’t even pronounce the topic about which they’re speaking, why should I listen to them? Call me old-fashioned, but I think a man ought to be able to pronounce an entire class of weapons with which he can destroy the world. Politicians, especially in Washington, are more loyal to party rather than people. (Just ask Trent Lott.) The public neither wants nor needs to hear of people dying while the FBI and CIA are having a turf war and all the pissing contests that go along with it. Why not let their directors duke it out on the parking lot? I wonder if, in a strange way, Attorney General John Ashcroft hoped Walter Mondale would win his quickly-announced replacement Senate race in Minnesota. That way, in effect, Ashcroft won’t be the only one in U.S. history to lose an election to a dead man. Nowadays, there are no TV shows to make fun of, although the Right Reverend Jerry Falwell is quite up in arms that one of the Teletubbies has a magic purse. Now I will admit that a full- grown Teletubby named Tinky Winky that carries a purse is suspect, but not worth losing sleep over, much less making a media spectacle. But for the most part, shows that don’t follow the politically correct road have gone into that sweet goodnight. Now with so many 24 hour news channels, you’d have to be in a coma or really stupid not to be aware of what’s going on in the world around you. Locally it used to be the news hour, consisting of a half hour of local news and a half hour of national; now it goes on for several hours. I want to know about the war on terror and the like, but frankly I don’t care about the White House Easter Egg Hunt or whether Bob and Kate will win their dance marathon. Mixing real stories with fluff runs the dangerous prospect of rendering them all, regardless of import, discounted, unwatched and unloved. There just are not a whole bunch of people who want to watch a twentieth station to make certain they have a particular story straight. ------------ About the author: Jim Deaton came to full-time writing of necessity following a paralytic stroke several years ago. Published works have been articles, fictional as well as historical. A man of few words, he feels the reader’s imagination should not be discounted but should be stimulated. History and comedy became his favorite genres while studying Theatre at UA-Little Rock and Northern Kentucky University. Visit: http://www.writerskeep.com/writers/deaton_james/home.htm http://geocities.com/thepinkchameleon/short_stories/deaton_godliness.html http://writers.net/writers/29855 Email: jsdeaton2003@yahoo.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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