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May 21, 2004 The Lord works in . . . well, unique ways: And God look down from the heavens and said, “Ye have too much time on ye hands.” And he made youth soccer which would have dominion over all the nights and weekends. And he said, this is good. Then he made political correctness so that both boy and girl could play together. And he made many boy and girl athletes so that fields were no longer aplenty, and taxes were raised to turn vacant lots and empty pastures into playing fields, though he posted warnings to forbid the practice on these fields for forty days and forty nights or until the holy sod did root. And he said this is good. So he made Soccer moms to walk the fields endlessly for removing stones while children threw mud at each other. And the people cried for more, and he opened the skies and there fell upon the earth select soccer teams. But the people shouted from on high, “Who is to lead us?” and the Lord sent forth a multitude of fat, middle-aged men who played third string linebacker for Class C football teams, and he said this is not so good. So he brought forth The Trainer at four hundred bucks a session, and said, this is better. And he called for these teams to journey far and wide with bratty ten year olds to places like Muskegon and Saginaw, Toronto and Saline, Midland and Troy. But still the people were not satisfied. “How are we to go? they cried, and an angry Lord answered them with a plague of minivans and SUV’s. And there did spring up from the ground a host of Holiday Inns and Best Westerns that covered the earth. From the Garden of Good and Evil did there arise an affliction, for parents were sent into fits of demonic rage as they called upon the Lord to smite twelve year old referees for failure to call off-side penalties upon opposing forces. And the Lord said this is not good and was made to review the rule book for clarification to which he told the people, “Beats me.” And the people did create false gods in its likeness in the form of indoor soccer. And young children did twist their knees and wrench their ankles on concrete floors covered with green carpet. The parents did cry for special shoes that were almost like cross-trainers though not quite for Nike told them so. And Nike said this is good. And Champion said this is good. And Mitre said this is good, as did a legion of athletic equipment gods. And then the Lord did rest, and sighed, “This is for the birds. Next time it will be the fire and brimstone.” ------------ About the author: John Ouellet has written several novels and has published short stories. He is currently working on a screenplay. Email: J-M-Ouellet@Ameritech.net Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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