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May 7, 2004 America, brace yourself. In five short months, you will celebrate your constitutional right to select the finest intellect from across the land to guide our ship through the storm-tossed seas ahead. You will choose between the millionaire who can't speak English very well and the accident-prone millionaire who really can't ride a bike very well. Say what you will about Sen. John Kerry (D- Mass.), who took a spill while riding a bike last weekend -- a very expensive custom-made bike, by the way -- that he might not be able to campaign and ride a bike at the same time, but Dubya showed us two years ago that he can't walk and chew a pretzel at the same time. Clearly, multi-tasking is neither man's strong suit. As has been widely reported, Kerry also broke his collarbone and a few ribs in a bike accident 12 years ago, and has required three knee surgeries in other sports-related incidents. Adding insult to injury, Kerry fell while appealing to the youth vote by snowboarding in a Sun Valley photo op two months ago, badly injuring his 61-year-old shoulder. Maybe I'm old- fashioned, but I liked mid-life crisis better when it involved a Corvette and a blonde. President Dubya is far less accident-prone than his Democratic counterpart. Sure, our Commander- in-Chief has suffered knee injuries from his daily jogs and, yes, he also suffered a memorable fall last June when he toppled off his father's Segway motorized scooter in Kennebunkport, Maine. You remember the Segway -- that ridiculous thing billed as an idea sure to revolutionize the world, but was immediately seen by a cynical public as little more than a walker for people too tired to walk. If Segway owners are THAT tired, they probably shouldn't be going anywhere. Instead, they should take a nap, pop a vitamin or two, and then – when they're revitalized -- simply WALK where they need to go. THAT is the idea that will revolutionize the world, but I digress. Shoulder problems and knee surgeries. Our two candidates for President are klutzes, yes, but of the two, I prefer Dubya. While Kerry was klutzing his way through the Mekong Delta, falling on every bullet and Purple Heart ribbon that came his way, Dubya got out of the Vietnam War with just a shaving nick or two. More incredibly, he landed a jet last year – which he was unqualified to pilot -- on a Navy ship last without batting an eye. Even casual observers are forced to admit Dubya seems able to do anything… except speak the King's English. Thank goodness he's got Spanish to fall back on. Perhaps I'm looking at this all wrong. Rather than complicate one's image, injuries might be a good test of presidential mettle. After all, playing with pain is seen as the measure of one's fortitude under pressure, and as the essence of focus, commitment and perseverance in spite of distraction. If so, maybe presidential candidates ought to be injured more often. In fact, the public could be invited to injure them on the campaign trail. In both Kerry and Bush's cases, campaign war chests could be filled to overflowing with the many Americans who would like to donate in this way, giving new meaning to the term "give until it hurts." What better test of leadership than the ability to survive difficulty? Injuries are likely to be commonplance in a White House so full of tables, desks and other heavy objects with edges and sharp corners. From the Resolute desk to Defense Secretary Don Rumsfeld and Attorney General John Ashcroft, there are a lot of squares in the Oval Office. If broken shoulders, torn knee cartilage and twisted ankles are seen as the standard of presidential excellence, Vice President Dick Cheney looks increasingly compelling as a candidate. If you think I'm kidding, you're wrong. I'm serious as a heart attack. Time will tell what America decides but, for the record, if either Bush or Kerry purposely injures himself on the campaign trail in hopes of getting sympathy votes, you have me to thank. ------------ About the author: Doug Hecox is an accomplished stand-up comedian whose work has appeared in everything from Reader's Digest to the Washington Monthly. His latest book, "Graze Expectations," is available widely. For more information, visit Doug at www.dougfun.com. Email: doug@dougfun.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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