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June 21, 2004 Washington, D.C., is on fire with guessing about who Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.) will choose as his vice presidential nominee. It appears to be a controlled burn because no one else in America seems to care. There is idle chat about it in barbershops and so on but, for the most part, our fellow citizens could not care less about Kerry's vice presidential choice. This is no surprise. The vice presidency, by design, is pretty dull. The job -- which currently pays $202,900 each year, and comes with a free house, good health insurance coverage, a company car and use of the company jet -- has typically been filled with equally dull people. There have only been two American vice presidents of any interest -– our current one, of course, and Aaron Burr, who killed a man in a duel and ran away to Canada. Vice President Spiro Agnew was ALMOST interesting, especially around tax time, but he didn’t get to stay in office long enough to become interesting. When he claimed to be the man who invented the Internet, Al Gore came close to being an interesting vice president but... well, you know the rest. He was neither interesting nor the inventor of the Internet. Being vice president consists primarily of attending cocktail parties, shaking hands with the host and apologizing that the President couldn’t make it. Sometimes the vice president is asked to attend meetings on behalf of the President, or to attend the funeral of a blue blood in some distant land to whom the United States wants to show goodwill. In short, the job involves a lot of airline food and hors d’oeuvres. A steady diet of hors d’oeuvres flies in the face of the Atkins diet, which explains why so few vice presidents ever modeled professionally. If we've learned anything from Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-N.Y.), food at political receptions can ruin a man's figure. No one wants the vice president to feel bad about himself. He is normally interested in maintaining a high visibility, so he can one day run for President. Vice President Cheney is unique in American history in that he has publicly said, numerous times, he has no intention of running for President -- making it unlikely that the tradition of sticking a vice president away in some undisclosed location for four years at a time will change anytime soon. It should be pointed out that the Vice President of the United States is not exactly a partner in the President’s mission. The President will claim otherwise but, in general, the vice president is -- by design -- a back-up in case something bad happens to the President. Vice President Dan Quayle was different. Some pundits believe he was President Bush’s insurance policy against assassination. Nobody -- not even the Axis of Evil -- wanted to risk the possibility of a President Dan Quayle. President Bush has already picked his vice president for the next four years, and tree- hugging do-gooder Ralph Nader has chosen his. Sen. Kerry is the only person in the presidential race yet to select a running mate and, as I said, the drums of speculation can be heard throughout the political jungle. Some suspect Sen. John Edwards (D-N.C.) may be Kerry’s choice, since he’s got a winning smile, great hair and a thumbs-up attitude. Others suspect wheelchair-bound war hero Sen. Max Cleland (D-Ga.), who lost three limbs in Vietnam, would be a good choice for Kerry’s efforts to attract the military vote. I would hope Kerry is smarter than that. Picking either Edwards or Cleland is predictable and shows none of the innovative thinking that the White House deserves. If Kerry wants to impress America and to start a groundswell of grassroots support, he has only one possible choice. He should have a contest. If Fox's "American Idol" can turn nobodies into successes, the Kerry campaign should easily be able to turn successful politicians into nobodies. Plus, Ryan Seacrest -- or whatever Kato Kaelin calls himself these days -- could host the entire search for the next "American Vice President." Simon Cowell, James Carville and I could be the judges and heckle the candidates who don’t have a chance. "Was that your idea of tax reform, or was a cow dying nearby?" Cowell might say to Rep. Dick Gephardt (D-Mo.). I would smile and nod, and Carville would bend over backward to compliment all of them -- like Randy Jackson does on "American Idol." It is a can’t-miss idea, so I’m going to make a few calls and see if I can’t get it going. If Kerry wants to bring new ideas and original thought to the White House, I’m only too happy to give them to him. ------------ About the author: Doug Hecox is an accomplished stand-up comedian whose work has appeared in everything from Reader's Digest to the Washington Monthly. His latest book, "Graze Expectations," is available widely. For more information, visit Doug at www.dougfun.com. Email: doug@dougfun.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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