HOME | POLITICS | SPORTS | LIFE | SCI/TECH | OPEDS | HELPFUL TIPS
|
June 16, 2004 We have a good friend named Brian who recently found the love of his life. This is really great for him because he is 40ish, has been searching for her a long time, is very serious about the relationship, and is thrilled to be part of a happy couple. He says they are in what is commonly known as the “can’t keep my eyes or my hands off you” stage of their relationship. So he called and invited us to meet them and some other friends for dinner at a nice local restaurant. Fine, no problem. We set it up for 8:00 p.m. Friday. As he was about to say good-bye he made reference to this woman as “my girlfriend.” My husband Alan and I, who were in the conversation on separate phones, looked at each other. “Your girlfriend?” we both said. “ Yeah, why? What’s wrong with that?” “ Uh, nothing” I say. “ Yeah nothing,” says my husband.” But….” “ But what?” “ Are you seriously dating?” “ Well, we are serious, but we’re not engaged or anything yet. Why?” “ No reason. Hey, listen we’re happy for you, Bri,” says my husband. "We’re looking forward to meeting her. See you Friday.” “ Wait! Should I not use the word girlfriend?” “ Hey, its your call, Bri. Don’t worry,” says my husband. “ Yeah, but…..” “ Don’t worry,” I echo. “Its probably alright.” “ Probably?! Now I’ve got to think about what to call her! You wouldn't have said anything if you thought it was okay to say girlfriend!Now I’ve only got three days to think of a new... title! Thanks a lot!!” “You worry too much!” we both say anxious to hang up. “ See you on Friday!” When we were both off the phone I asked Alan if he knew how old this “girlfriend” was. He said “ about Brian’s age, 40, 42, why? ” “ No reason, just…can he really still refer to her as his girlfriend? “I don’t know. Is there a rule on that or something?” he asks teasingly. This prompted a Seinfeldian discussion between us about when it is time for people over “a certain age” to stop calling their significant others “girlfriend or boyfriend.” Is there an “age cut-off date” for this and, if so, when is it? We decided to try and come up with more mature sounding titles for the over 30 crowd. I once worked with a woman in her late sixties who referred to the man in her life as her “ fiance.” No matter that there was no engagement ring, that they had been together for over eight years and had yet to set a wedding date, or that she had no intention of marrying him. He was her fiance. Okay. The word fiance, she told me, is acceptable and she refused to call him her boyfriend. “He’s a sweet old fart, really, and we have good times together, but honestly, he is too far from boyhood for me to call him my boyfriend,” said this Princeton-educated woman. I had to agree even though I was newly married, my college years and girlhood were not that far behind me, and I was having a hard time introducing my husband as my husband and not my boyfriend. We were in our early twenties and most of our friends still had boyfriends and girlfriends. It sounded okay to say this in our twenties because we still acted sort of like boys and girls. But, as we got older, the boys and girls became men and women. Shouldn’t there be a new title, so to speak, for people we date after we leave our twenties? In the movie “ Young Frankenstein” there is a hhilarous scene where the “definitely-over-40 Frau Blöuker” passionately confesses, before an astonished Young Doctor Frankenstein, her relationship to the young doctor’s grandfather. “Yes, yes, now you know! He was my….boyfriend !!” Mel Brooks wrote that line because he knew it was funny. He did not have his character say “my lover, my darling,” or anything more mature. That would not have gotten the laughs. Calling someone a boyfriend/girlfriend after a certain age is, let’s face it, funny. Which brings us back to the original question: what can people call the ones they are seriously dating? In my grandparents’ day men and woman over a certain age had specific titles imposed by society. “My gentleman friend and my lady friend “ were what they called people they were seeing. It sounded so mysterious and quaint. But in thinking these old-fashioned words over, my husband and I decided that in today’s world it would sound weird and strange so we ditched them right away. Besides, saying my friend in an introduction kind of puts a damper on the romantic part of a relationship. On the other hand, certain expressions we tried out in our living room had to be discarded simply because of politeness. English may be the only language to use adolescent-sounding titles for those we date. In Italian, the words fidanzato and fidanzata, meaning fiance/fiancee, were used for serious dating. There really was no word for casual dates until recent years. It was the same in Spanish– speaking countries, novio/novia. There never was a word for the casual date. Boyfriends and girlfriends were considered childhood playmates, not dates. Of course, because they speak Romance languages, both countries use more sophisticated words to describe the mature significant other in their lives. Words such as “mi’ amore in Italian or mi amor in Spanish,” meaning “my love.” It tells people that they are serious. This is sweet and very European. It works for them. Of course it may not work as well in the U.S.A. The two parties might actually want to be in love with each other before they start saying “my love.” That requires commitment. My own personal favorite expression for couples comes from Jamaica. The people on beautiful island totally simplify things by referring to their loves as “my man or my woman.” I have to admit here it was difficult for me, calling my husband my man. It sounded like I owned him or something, but if you read on you’ll understand the logic of these expressions. At a resort in Jamaica I went down to one of the restaurants to reserve a table for dinner and wait for my husband who was finishing up a game of tennis. My conversation with the maitre d’ went something like this: “ How are you and your man this evening, my lady?” “ My husband and I are fine, thank you.” “ Would you and your man like an oceanview table, my lady?” “ Yes, my husband and I would like that very much.” “ Yes, my lady, and would you and your man like to know this evening’s entertainment schedule?” “ Yes, can you leave the schedule here for my husband ?” “ Yes, my lady, you and your man have a pleasant evening now.” The concierge at the resort finally explained it and told me male and female companions are called by these terms because it is assumed not everyone is married. The custom makes it less likely for anyone to make a mistake thinking that you are married or engaged. “ Your man, your woman” identifies you as a couple. By the end of our stay I was referring to my husband as “my man.” A little possessive but nice. To get back to what we can call those we are dating when we’re over a certain age, words like “my sweetie, my darling, my wonderful one” all sound like cutsie-poo names people might call each other privately. You might as well introduce them as “this is my snookums.” Nauseating! Having mulled over my question for three days and not having actually come up with a “title” for our age group to use, we went to meet Brian and “the girlfriend” on Friday. We decided that, no matter how she was introduced, it wouldn’t matter. After all, maybe it is okay to use whatever terminology you like when introducing the one you’re with, no matter what your age. So we waited and soon the happy couple arrived, kissing and seeming as if they were glued together. Remember the “schmoopie” episode of "Seinfeld?" They were so adorable together! They looked like boyfriend and girlfriend! As for the introduction, after days of wondering how he would introduce her, ol’Brian surprised us. With a big smile and a hug for us he simply said: “Hey, hi, this is Amy!” Obviously Brian had solved the dilemma and found the best way to introduce “the love of his life.” ------------ About the author Kristen Houghton: Working on a book of short stories, I write a column, "The Writer's Block" on observations of everyday life and a column for educators called iTeach! Email: Krisnalan@aol.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
||||||
|
|
|||||||
|
