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Hobbies For An Old Man

By Stan Grimes
June 15, 2004

The element of time becomes a hindrance sometimes when you get my age. Sometimes, though, it can be a helper. I admit to being over the hill. Actually, I'm on the downside of the hill. It's a slippery slope after fifty- five. One's body becomes more fragile, the bones more brittle, the muscles more tired, and the organs more worn. Especially for guys like me, I'm fifty-eight, living sedentary lifestyles. We don't work out at the Y and we don't exercise daily. My idea of exercise is driving my dog to an old abandoned cemetery and watching her run from one end of it to the other. Mowing our small yard is strenuous exercise and going to my office job is an emotional exercise, sometimes I think it's a futile emotional exercise.

My stepfather is ninety-one years old. He's still driving his car and visits my mom in the nursing home everyday, she's eighty-eight. Check out Big Daddy George H W Bush. He's parachuting out of airplanes at the age of eighty. Of course, I have always believed that parachuting out of an airplane at any age is pure insanity (Republican or no). I think I could parachute out of a plane. Problem is, it would cost a great deal of money to remove the frozen look of fear from my face and to remove my hips from my shoulder blades. It would also be difficult to change diapers in mid air.

Growing old isn't all that bad. My bowels have changed slightly, my stomach isn't quite as tolerable for new food creations, my bones creak, and my head gets cold. Other then those small distinctions, life is great. All right, maybe not that great. You see, I've developed this new affliction since I have made it half way to 116. I am now paranoid, paranoid as hell. I think my boss is wanting to fire me. I think three-fourths the business department would be happy if I left the business. And, I think I am doomed to be a failure in all that I do. What is that all about? Is this some kind of male menopause? I don't thinks so. I don't have the right hormones, do I?

I've been looking into some hobbies more suitable for a man of my physical condition, things like collecting dust, collecting the various sizes of belts I've gone through over the years, collecting clip-on ties, and finally collecting endoscopy photographs. These are just a few of the hobbies I've been considering. A real challenging hobby my wife suggested is collecting socks without holes in them. Wow, that's a tough one. That is going to require some heavy concentration. Me, I have no time for concentrating. The Star-Gate reruns take up most of my time. By the way, I think that Major Clark chick is cute (Tapping is it?). She can cross over the time worm anytime she wants for me. I'll be waiting for her on the other side with sock drawer under my arm and clip-on ties over my shoulder.

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