The Computers Are Winning!

Articles

The Computers Are Winning!

By Kristen Houghton
June 9, 2004

My husband, Alan, has a new toy. It has the same name as the car of his boyhood dreams, Bonneville, but the 2004 has all the bells and whistles of the 21st century. It is sleek, goes from 0 to 60 in 7.64 seconds, can go up to 140 mpr. (like we’re really going to go 140 miles an hour, honey?!), has “Monsoon” sound, over 100 radio stations from coast to coast and the Caribbean. ( It is so powerful, it may be capable of picking up a broadcasts from “the other side!”) It even has a “memory.” It remembers the seating and exiting positions of each driver. There is an Eyecue which discreetly displays the car’s vital info, ( speed, fuel, etc.) onto the driver’s side window. The car gives you just about everything.

It is a marvel of modern technology and creature comfort, but it is nothing like the car of his boyhood because now, it is totally computerized. Almost human. It also has a built-in computerized, sweet-voiced phone system that will dial, store numbers, remember names for numbers, etc. on your command.

With all this going for it you would think anyone would be thrilled to be its owner. You’d think so, right? Almost but not quite, because I believe the computer phone system was designed to drive my easy going, laid-back man, and me along with him, to the brink of insanity.

I am a person who doesn’t believe that computers have made our lives easier. There’s a lot of frustration in dealing with anything that is computerized. Anyone who has ever worked with computers will tell you that. I think they are evil machines out to get us. Remember the villain ”HAL” from the movie “2001: A Space Odyssey?” “He” was a computer who was supposed to make things easier and look at what happened there. I say, these modern technological products have a mind of their own, just like Hal. Oh, yes! Take the built-in car phone computer system. Pure evil!

It sounded simple enough. Our salesman, smiling Hank, explained how to use the phone system in detail. He told us it was so simple, his little three-year-old daughter used it in his own car to call her grandmother. He basically walked us through the operating procedure. And let me tell you, it worked very well in the parking lot of the dealership. Very well indeed. Of course it did. It was waiting for us to drive away and try to use it on our own.

On the way home, Alan decided to try out the phone system by placing a call to his best friend to, um, brag a little as men do about their cars. We were so primed by the salesman, we were ready! White button pushed and here we go. A pleasant computer-activated voice answers. The following conversation took place between computer-activated-voice, (aka CAV), and Alan, (aka Husb), as we cruised along the highway on our way home.

CAV: “ OnStar,ready." (sweet voice)
Husb: “ Dial.”( very pleasantly)
CAV: “Number, please.”
Husb: “ 201 575….
CAV: “dialing 601 725
Husb: “ Cancel.”(nice and easy, very in control)
CAV: “ Pardon?”
Husb: “ Cancel.” (emphasis)
CAV: “ You can say numbers from 0-9,pound, help, or cancel."
Husb: “ Cancel.”(more emphasis, still pleasant)
CAV: “ You can say yes, no, dial now, cancel, or help."
Husb: “ Cancel!”( oh, a lot more emphasis, not so pleasant)
CAV: “ Pardon?”
Husb: “ Can…..”( not pleasant at all!)
CAV: “ Slower, please.”
Husb: “ I said cancel, CAN….!”( much louder)
CAV: “ Store now?”
Husb: “ Cancel the damned thing, will you?”
CAV: “ You can say verify, store, cancel, or help."
Husb: “ Cancel!”(firmly)
CAV: “Slower, please.”
Husb: “Cancel, please cancel?” (sadly pleading)
CAV: “Dial now? Yes or no?”
Husb: “Dial what? You don’t have a number!”
CAV: “Store number, yes or no?”
Husb: “No!”(panic)
CAV: “Dialing 601 720.”
Husb: “What!? No! Don’t dial!”(more panic)
CAV: “Non-existant number. Please try again.”
Husb: “You dialed half a number, of course it doesn't exist!"
CAV: “You can say verify, store, cancel, or help."
Husb: “What are you saying?! I said cancel! Didn't you hear me?!"

Me: “You’re yelling at a computer voice, you know that, right?” He completely ignores my voice and continues talking to the “button.” I see I had better step in here before he gets into a one-sided screaming match with a computer. I reach over and push the button ending the “conversation.” I tell him to try it later. Relaxing his hands on the wheel and taking deep breaths, he agrees, but I see him cast furtive looks at the white button as he drives. I can tell he is tired and hungry. After all, in his eagerness to take possession of this marvel of a car,we went straight to the showroom after a long day of work, skipping dinner. I suggest we stop at the nearest diner. Food makes him happy and relaxed.

After we eat he is in a much better mood and as we walk out to the car he is actually whistling. He says he knows what went wrong, he probably had been talking too fast. He would talk more slowly and, if he felt there was still a problem, he’d call ol’ smiling Hank in the morning to see if it could be resolved. After all, Hank said he knew about computers, right? Right.

He is expansive as we head on home. Smiling at me, he tells me he’ll try it one more time tonight. Pushing the white button he begins the “conversation” between him and the computer and we hear:

CAV: “OnStar, ready.”
Husb: “Dial.” ( pleasant, debonair, in control)
CAV: “Number, please.”
Husb: “20….”
CAV: “Number, please.”
Husb: “201 575….” (nice and easy)
CAV: “Slower, please.”
Husb: “2…0…1…5…7…5…” (a sigh of frustration)
CAV: “Dial now? Yes or no?”
Husb: “No.”(beads of perspiration on upper lip)
CAV: “Pardon?”
Husb: “No!”(firmly, still relatively calm)
CAV: “You can say yes, no, cancel, or help.”
Husb: “Help?” ( slightly pitiful)
CAV: “You can say numbers from 0-9,pound, star,or cancel)
Husb: “Help!” ( a little desperation)
CAV: “Pardon?”
Husb: “Help, okay, help!”( sweating profusely)
CAV: “Slower, please.”
Husb: “Look, I said help, alright? Help!" (starting to lose it)
CAV: “Dial now? Yes or no.”
Husb: “What!? Dial what? No. Cancel!” (going over the edge now)
CAV: “Dialing number.”
Husb: “Omigod! No, you idiot. Cancel, cancel!”

Me:“Honey….hon? It’s a computer-generated-voice. I don’t think it can be insulted. See, it doesn’t know…., honey?”

CAV: “Number is busy. Try again?”
Husb: “Help!!!!” ( he’s gone, totally)
CAV: “Re-dialing number.”
Husb: “Arrrghhh! Damn! No, no, no!!!!”
CAV: “Pardon? You can say yes, no, cancel or.."

I jab the button off before it can finish the programmed speech. We drive home in an eerie silence. He doesn’t even turn on the radio with the “Monsoon” sound system that he was so eager to try. I tell him to call Hank first thing tomorrow morning. No answer. He is glaring at the white button.

It is four-thirty AM and I am zipping in and out of sleep when I roll over, realize I am alone in bed with the dog, and hear voices coming from our driveway directly under the bedroom window. Shaking sleep from my head I hear:

“Cancel! Don’t dial! C’mon now, you jerk!”

It is, of course, my husband, arguing with a computer, the “sister” of HAL. Evil computer twins. The dog and I go outside and there is Alan begging the computer to listen to him.

I’m a little bit alarmed. The dog walks over to sniff the new car and yawns. “Honey,” I say, “ this is just a car, a car, with a computer- generated-voice that’s all it is. It is not real, honest, it’s not.”

“It seems real! Why doesn’t it listen to me? I’m being nice. It listened to Hank, why not to me?” ( oh boy!)

“Oh-ka-ay! Honey, come on inside now and let’s get some sleep. We’ll call good old Hank in the morning, ‘kay? He said he would be there for us.”

“ Alright.” (big sigh) “Do you think I should try it one more time, though?”

Oh no, I think. He looks so pathetic, this man of mine who is capable of solving major complex problems without breaking a sweat, but cannot get this computer to “listen” to him. He definitely needs sleep. However he tosses and turns all night saying, ” cancel, don’t dial!”

We don’t call Hank the following morning because my husband is now being very male, meaning he is being a jack-ass. He has decided it is him against the phone computer and he is going to “win.” So for the next two days he wages war with the computer. He talks slowly, clearly, sweetly, and,when that doesn’t work, he actually threatens. He will not ask for help, oh, no, this is between the two of them: man versus computer. I hear him plot strategy, but by the end of day two the winner is ….the computer-activated-voice, CAV!The loser in this battle, my husband, is a wreck from sleepless nights and frustrated“conversations.”

When we finally call him, Hank is solicitous and very kind. He tells us that he will have the car checked if we want it. He does have a question for us though, were we talking clearly and slowly? Because, with all the cars he has sold, he has never had this type of computer problem. This is the first time, he says. It is possible, he concedes, that there can be a small glitch that may need a minor adjustment.

Alan, very business-like, assures him that, yes, “we,” as in he and I, were talking clearly and slowly. I just look at him open-mouthed,(hey, I never tried the thing!) but he pretends he doesn’t see me.

In the parking lot of the dealership Hank meets us, accompanied by a cute, sweet-faced, little girl he introduces as his daughter. He will have the “computer expert communications guy” check out our new car, he says. We wait around the showroom, where Hank takes the opportunity to show us a new SUV he feels that I might like if I want to trade in my old, ( I only bought it two years ago) car. It has a terrific computer he says, with a wink. I look daggers at him.

The “computer expert communications guy” comes in to tell us that there is absolutely nothing wrong with the in-car phone computer system and takes us outside so Alan can try it out. It works beautifully, of course. Hank’s daughter calls her mother from our car. I try it and it even works for me. Okay, I say, but the big test will come when we are driving away from here and are on our own with this system. Not to worry, say Hank and the “computer expert communications guy.” There should be no problem however, if there is we mustn’t hesitate to bring it back and they will check it again. Okay. I get in the car as my husband talks to Hank for a few minutes. I am eager to try out the phone system by ourselves. Just to see.

Alan is quiet, thinking, as we zoom along. He tries the “Monsoon” sound music system, pops in a CD, basically wasting time so he can build up his courage to “engage” the computer phone. Finally the moment of truth: white button pushed, sweet voice comes on, Alan gives a number, ( the computer repeats it correctly), he says the word dial, ( the computer dials), and….. it works!! We are connected to another person through the miracle of modern technology!!

As we drive both of us take turns calling people and storing numbers. Not one hitch in the system . No “pardon, you can say….,slower please” or any other pre-programmed annoyance. Crazy to say it but I feel we’ve won a victory over a computer. Scary, too, because now I am thinking like Alan!

But Alan is still absorbed in thought, even with this “victory.” I ask him if feels better now that the system is working. He nods yes. Isn’t he glad we finally got that out of the way, I ask, that we don’t have to deal with anything else in this car? Computers, I tell him, they can drive you crazy, I am so glad we are done with them, isn’t he? “Right, Alan, honey, right, hon?”

Alan, however, is turning off the road, not really listening to me. I turn to him as he pulls into a side street and parks. What now? I soon find out. He hands me a brochure and says with an excited, I-can’t-wait-voice:

“Look what Hank gave me. Did you know that we have voice recognition? Voice recognition that starts the ignition, sets your speed, changes stations and CD’s. Hank says it is the absolute newest thing in technology. And it’s so simple to install! Honey? Listen, you are not going to believe how totally simple this is!All we have to do is activate it through the computer phone system. Hank says it is so easy to do, his three year old daughter did in his car. What do you think babe, want to try it now? Huh? Sweetheart, what do you think?” He looks so boyish and eager.

I am stunned that he let himself be talked into something else to do with computers. What do I think, he wants to know? I’ll tell you what I think. I think the computers, are beginning to wage a war against humanity, that they will win and take over the world. And that they are aided by ol’ smiling Hank and his three year old daughter.

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About the author Kristen Houghton: Working on a book of short stories, I write a column, "The Writer's Block" on observations of everyday life and a column for educators called iTeach! Email: Krisnalan@aol.com

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