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June 8, 2004 America is very sad this week. The death of Ronald Reagan has hit everyone in different ways but, from one coast to the other, there is a palpable sense of malaise. This week, depression is America's leading funereal disease. Troubling many is the inappropriate treatment Reagan will get this week. First, he is being flown from California to Andrews Air Force Base - - in the storage area under the plane, no less -- before being transferred to a rented hearse and then to a caisson where he will be pulled along on a horse-drawn caisson for several blocks to the Capitol. This man -- this Great Communicator -- deserves better. He ended the Cold War, for crying out loud. Instead of the luggage rack, Reagan deserves now more than ever to be propped up in first class. With rigor mortis surely taking its toll, he'll surely appreciate the extra legroom available in first class. Also, wouldn't it be more appropriate for him to fly into the airport named for him? He could then take the Metro to the Capitol, which is far more dignified than being dragged through the streets by horses. Also, at his funeral on Friday, some believe -- and rightfully so -- that Bonzo should be a pallbearer. The two were close and, more to the point, monkeys are pound for pound far stronger than humans. If you've ever shaken hands with Hillary Clinton, you know what I mean. Bonzo might be the only pallbearer needed. Recognizing the deep imprint on the American psyche enjoyed by Ronald Reagan, it stands to reason that the Dubya brigade will try to make reference to him as often as possible in order to get some emotional carryover to help his reelection chances. In an effort to court his right-wing base, as well as woo some of the undecided middle away from Kerry to his own, Dubya might consider my surefire plan. Dubya should clone Reagan. And not just one either. MILLIONS of Reagan clones. Every American could have their own personal Gipper, of whom they could ask advice and who could help them build fence, chop trees and feel good about America again. His movie- star good looks would help improve property values, and his common sense approach to big- picture problems would guarantee that the roots of communism don't take hold in the homes of our fellow Americans. The right wing would be happy as clams -- and, deep down, clams are pretty happy. They're almost giddy. Cloning Reagan would not only provide insurance against a resurgence of communism, but would also send a positive message to the stem-cell research fans who are currently peeved about the prospects of any number of stem cell-related medical cures blocked by the Dubya administration. By courting the left in this way and by satisfying the right, Dubya is guaranteed a landslide victory in the fall. However, if cloning is not his bag, he could always steal Reagan's body long enough to blame it on the al-Qaida and then recover it in time for the elections. If you've ever seen "Weekend at Bernie's," you know how possible it is. Hiding a dead man in plain sight is easy as pie. They did it with Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-S.C.) for eight years before anyone caught on. So dry your eyes, Mr. and Mrs. America! There are no shortage of opportunities for Reagan's coattails to help yet another Bush into the White House. Once again, like he did in so many movies, the Great Communicator is coming to our rescue. # # # Former President Reagan will answer your questions online Saturday from 1 p.m. to 3 p.m. only at www.OUIJA.org. ------------ About the author: Doug Hecox is an accomplished stand-up comedian whose work has appeared in everything from Reader's Digest to the Washington Monthly. His latest book, "Graze Expectations," is available widely. For more information, visit Doug at www.dougfun.com. Email: doug@dougfun.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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