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July 28, 2004 Every American eye has been trained on Boston, breathlessly waiting for news of the Democratic National Convention. "Did John Kerry change running mates?" some ask. "Is Hillary running for president in 2008?" others ask. Maybe the best question is why Kerry wasn't able to throw a ball over the plate in his surprise walk-on at Fenway Park. Conspiracy theorists like me suggest that Kerry confused the "Bosox" with botox, but the world may never be sure. With Boston's Fleet Center packed to the rafters with day-old political philosophies, like a chicken in every legalized pot and an expanded social conscience for all, and even staler political philosophers, like former Governor Michael Dukakis, several Kennedys, and Vice Presidents Mondale and Gore, Beantown briefly became politics' "has-been town." Yes, I know. Puns are sometimes better heard than seen. Clearly, the good old days are over. Gone are the days of meaningful political grandstanding. As the Democratic National Convention demonstrated, modern partisan politics is all about throwing the best party. The tub-thumping speeches of yesteryear have been replaced -- "outsourced," as Sen. Kerry might say -- by what has become an arms race of guest lists. The Democrats have Ben Affleck. The Republicans have The Rock. The Democrats have Natalie Portman, Michael Moore and kabbalah. The Republicans have Faith Hill, Tim McGraw and Bo Derek. Either it is like table tennis with b-list celebrities, or a version of keep-away with party pride. In any case, political gamesmanship has taken a decidedly juvenile turn. Worse, Vice President Cheney, who claimed to feel better after having cursed Sen. Pat Leahy (D-Vt.), apparently inspired followers -- notably Teresa Heinz Kerry, who told a journalist to "shove it" at the Democratic convention. In other words, political juvenility is not enough. Modern solons need to do either a blue act, a la "Dice" Cheney, or celebrity impersonations, as Mrs. Kerry tried to do. The Republicans started doing impersonations in the 1940s, with a Ronald Reagan impersonator who looked and sounded just like the Ronald Reagan who had been a Democrat years before. Though the Democrats have yet to do any convincing Republican impressions, this year their convention featured a Ron Reagan Jr. impersonator, reportedly doing a "stem-cell research" bit. Imagine. A Democrat Ron Reagan Jr.? It is to laugh. If Boston is any guide, the modern political convention is a traffic-obstructing, media- consuming circus of bland personalities gussied up and given the illusion of significance under the fancy lights of show business. Given the tastelessness of the Austin crowd -- last seen at the sleet-soaked Bush inauguration four years ago wearing strapless gowns and Lone Star State cummerbunds -- the Republican National Convention in New York City will be every bit the carnival that Boston has become. It will probably feature Lynard Skynard impersonators and skeet sponsored by the National Rifle Association using DVDs of "Fahrenheit 9-11." Watch and see, America. Now that Boston is done, the countdown to New York -- and more fun -- begins! ------------ About the author: Doug Hecox is an accomplished stand-up comedian whose work has appeared in everything from Reader's Digest to the Washington Monthly. His latest book, "Graze Expectations," is available widely. For more information, visit Doug at www.dougfun.com. Email: doug@dougfun.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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