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July 23, 2004 As Election Day draws nearer, Americans everywhere can expect something large, loud, environmentally questionable and headed their way. No, not cinematic gadfly Michael Moore -- presidential campaign buses! Campaign buses are the modern equivalent of the wagon, traveling from town to town, like some Magical Misery Tour, dispensing hope like snake oil and doing everything possible to get the electorate to part with its hard-earned votes. Ours is the elixir, each camp says, to cure all society's ills. "Many social ills hitherto considered hopelessly incurable can be remedied in a fortnight or less," the presidential pitchmen will say. "We cheerfully invite you to sample our cures which have no parallel at the present day." The medicine show of Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.) uses a couple of campaign buses. President Bush's uses seven, according to a recent CNN story, which are followed closely by a motorcade of Secret Service vehicles, local and state police cruisers and, weather permitting, motorcycles. The Kerry brigade calls its bus fleet the "Real Deal Express" which, frankly, is a peppy thing to call any bus. In contrast, the President's team calls its "Bush-Cheney '04" and "Yes, America Can" -- neither of which is too inspiring. "The Wheel Deal" would be better, of course, but no matter. Nobody really reads buses these days anyway. The buses of both Bush and Kerry enjoy vibrant patriotic paint jobs, to promote their respective loves of America and, apparently, of America's custom bus painting industry. Sadly, both candidates are riding around in luxury buses made in Canada. Prevost, the Quebec-based manufacturer of both sets of campaign buses, is owned by Swedish Volvo Bus Corp. and England's Henly's Group PLC. To his credit, still-hanging- in-there presidential hopeful Ralph Nader buys American -- provided that bus tickets are made in America. Nader's campaign has the momentum of a freight train... parked overnight in a switchyard. Frankly, buses seem wholly inappropriate for candidates of their social status. Using a bus as a means of "traveling like common folk" is a little dated. Maybe it worked as a campaign tool in Andy Griffith's Mayberry but, these days, the only folks who ride buses are unhappy schoolchildren, Shriners headed to Branson and escaped mental patients. You might laugh -- but letting escaped mental patients ride buses is often the best way to scare them back into therapy. Let's face it. Even lunatics don't want to travel with mental patients. That thought sprints panic-stricken through my mind each time I fly on Southwest, but I digress. Why use buses when more appropriate vehicles exist is beyond me. Hot air balloons, for example. Hot air balloons are not only appropriate for politicians, they are environmentally safe and VERY visible. If Teddy Roosevelt were running today, he would surely cotton to this idea. In fact, he'd want to use the Bullwinkle balloon from the Macy's Day Parade to promote his Bull Moose Party. He was a conservationist, a fact he demonstrated to his guests by pointing out the heads on his walls of animals he'd conserved with a rifle. In fact, Teddy would probably be tempted to mount the giant Bullwinkle head in his den with which to impress his gentlemen visitors on poker night. Bullwinkle has a giant six-point rack, and any serious hunter would be hard-pressed to not show it off. Hot air balloons would make abundant sense for modern candidates. To get more elevation, the candidates need only start talking. To land, Sen. Kerry could cool the balloon by waxing reminiscent about senatorial privilege and parliamentary procedure. President Bush, on the other hand, can simply turn off the burners and aim a picture of Defense Secretary Don Rumsfeld's icy grimace under the balloon's skirt. The balloon's hot air will cool, and the Bush camp would be on the ground in no time. Best of all, the hot air balloons of politicians won't be able to get into Wyoming. Our headwinds will keep them at a safe distance away, probably over someplace like Kimball -- an area that needs the tourist traffic, anyway. In this way, keeping Wyoming's wind turned up full blast during campaign season is downright charitable of us. This season, keep your eyes peeled for any campaign buses lumbering their way toward town and save your votes for candidates who really deserve them -- namely, those bobbing about in hot air balloons trying to land. ------------ About the author: Doug Hecox is an accomplished stand-up comedian whose work has appeared in everything from Reader's Digest to the Washington Monthly. His latest book, "Graze Expectations," is available widely. For more information, visit Doug at www.dougfun.com. Email: doug@dougfun.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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