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July 21, 2004 In my opinion, revealing your age, if you are a woman isn't rude. So as I approach my 26th Birthday, I tried to look back at all that I have accomplished so far. I was successful in completing my Masters in the field I chose 8 yrs ago. I had fulfilled my dream of living in a different country all by myself with minimal support. I had been able to set aside some money for myself towards my future. I had learnt a lot from relationships and gotten wiser. Overall I would say I was in the "feel-good" zone. I was discussing this with a friend and wanted her to affirm my achievements. However, much to my surprise (and dismay) she said- "Well, you aren't married yet. And that's something you needed to have done a long time ago". Although at first I was put off by this statement, coming from someone who always cribbed about being married very early and already had a 2 yr old to take care of, I began to ponder on this mainly to determine why she thought it was such a big deal. I discussed this with other friends. This time I tried some of my male friends, who I thought would agree with my view." Well, you are the only one among the girls in our group that isn't married and you should do it soon you know" added one of my very close friends. I reminded him that he wasn't married either at 26 and I was as old as him." But, its different with you..you are a girl" he added casually. I rolled my eyes with disbelief that he could make such a sexist comment. Turns out he wasn't the only one who thought so. A lot of them reflected on the same opinion. Apparently I was far from the "Feel- good" zone and was still circling around the "Not-yet-married-so-not-yet-happy" zone. I decided to dig deeper into this theory and find out what made me so under-achieved than a disheveled housewife with a bawling kid in one arm and another jumpy kid held by the other hand. This view may not be reflected by everyone, but more so belonged to my countrymen - Indians. The people from other countries do agree that marriage is essential, although their age limits may not be very well defined. Why is it that marriage is what would make me happy? Isn't marriage and family life denounced by the sages and monks, for the want of peace and eventually salvation? My mother is a person I look up to often for words of advise and logical reasoning to any doubts I have. Everything except for the topic of marriage. She belongs to the old school of thought of marrying off the girls before 25. She offers two reasons for this. One, the younger the girl, the more open she is to adjustments and if she waits too long and achieves everything, she wouldn't be ready to compromise. Two, the older a girl gets, the higher her chances of landing up with a fat and bald geek who wasn't accepted by any other girl. To sum up all these opinions, the general belief is that a girl who has a successful career and puts off marriage for a while, is unlikely to think logically when it comes to choosing men and that men beyond a certain age were just meant to be fat and bald and underachieved. My head was spinning in circles buzzing with all these notions. Although I wasn't surprised to hear them, I had hoped that it wouldn't turn out to be like what I feared it to be. I am a contended woman with a fairly happy life, a fulfilling relationship and a satisfying line of work. I couldn't belittle my happiness by any of what I had just learnt. I would like to stress at this point that I do not for one moment believe marriage was bad or that I wouldn't be married. I believe that you marry when you are mentally prepared to share your life with another person and his/her family and that I wasn't looking at it at the moment. I believe companionship is the key to all marriages. Although it brings about a lot of responsibilities, duties, security and dirty diapers, the core strength of a successful marriage was the ability to be happy with your spouse. Isn't it possible to be content with other forms of companionship till you are ready to take the big plunge? I believe it is. It is a blessing to have a good set of friends who are there for you not just when you are happy, but when you are Attila the Hun with a bad PMS that lasts all month. Supportive and caring parents would make it so much more easier to choose things you are most comfortable with. Good sisters are like angels when you need someone to cover up when you messed up big time and the devil when you need to be taught a lesson for being stupid. A good boyfriend is one who makes you laugh all the time and doesn't expect you to be all girly and made up every time he sees you. Pets are the best things you could ask for, like a Big live bear that you can hug and squeeze when you want to and be stern and bossy when you want someone to listen to you for a change. I am glad I have all of the above. And as for marriage, I guess it will have to wait. ------------ About the author Rupa Kadambi: I am an Industrial Engineer living in New York. I would like to pursue writing and am in the process of completing my book. My website is www.myownlittleplace.com/rupa Email: rupakadambi@yahoo.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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