HOME | POLITICS | SPORTS | LIFE | SCI/TECH | OPEDS | HELPFUL TIPS
|
July 9, 2004 Hair we go again. With campaign season in full swoop, the candidates have rattled their sabers and unsheathed the big guns. President Bush will begin his latest tactic –- namely, to show America just how out of touch with regular America Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.) is. The humor of this can’t be overemphasized. One millionaire telling America how out of touch another millionaire is with the problems of the common folk? It is to laugh. Imagine Zsa Zsa Gabor running for president, and trying to score political points by revealing that her opponent, Liza Minnelli, has never made Hamburger Helper nor attended a Little League game. Neither has Zsa Zsa, of course, but -- as with any election - - truth gets lost in the blinding light of irony. Sen. Kerry's choice for vice president, Sen. John Edwards (D-N.C.), ostensibly brings youth, vitality and charisma to a heretofore lackluster presidential effort. The humor in this is that it is the same winning approach that swept a dashing young Dan Quayle and the respectable-but- stuffy George H.W. Bush ticket in 1988. The two Johns have been seen cuddling, handholding, hugging and all manner of curious displays of affection -- to the delight of photographers, I should add -- and, so moved by his new partner in crime, Kerry announced "It's a thrill for me to have another guy with hair on the road." There was much laughter after this remark, suggesting that the two young, vibrant Johns with their full heads of hair make them more qualified to run the country than Bush-Cheney, who are one for two in the coiffure department. I disagree with Kerry’s hair plan, and history agrees with my disagreement. Most of history’s evil men had full heads of hair. Stalin, Hitler, Bill Clinton, Genghis Khan, Napoleon, Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden all had, or have, thick manes. In contrast, history’s greatest peacemakers -- Mohandas Gandhi, Winston Churchill, Pope John Paul II, Buddha -- all suffered varying degrees of hair loss and would agree that parting one’s hair is such sweet sorrow. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., had a slightly receding hairline, and the Dalai Lama isn’t what you’d call shaggy. However, as with most rules, there are a few exceptions. There were a few peacemakers with hair -- Jesus, if we are to believe the renderings of Him throughout history, had long flowing hair, as did Moses, and Presidents Washington, Lincoln and Reagan. However, the number of hairyheaded evildoers seems to outweigh their virtuous counterparts. For this reason, if Sen. Kerry wants to tempt fate with a hairyheaded candidate like Sen. Edwards, that is his prerogative. History shows, though, that older, balder heads tend to command more respect in positions of public trust and have done much to make the world a better, safer place. In addition, the improved aerodynamics of Vice President Cheney’s smooth pate allows him to get more done during the day. President Bush, fully aware of the need for time management, keeps his hair closely cropped to minimize wind resistance. America won’t stand for a presidential duo with big poofy hairdos that slow them down. In our great Nation’s War on Terrorism, we just don’t have that kind of time. On second thought, maybe President Bush is right about Sen. Kerry. If Kerry thinks that political success depends on having good hair, maybe he IS out of touch. Keep your eyes peeled for Republican bumperstickers that will surely say “A fool and his political future are soon parted.” ------------ About the author: Doug Hecox is an accomplished stand-up comedian whose work has appeared in everything from Reader's Digest to the Washington Monthly. His latest book, "Graze Expectations," is available widely. For more information, visit Doug at www.dougfun.com. Email: doug@dougfun.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
||||||
|
|
|||||||
|
