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Aug 27, 2004 I've been cursed with insomnia. A horrible little brain clitch that keeps me up late at night and sometimes for days at a time. I don't know why that is, it just is and has been for a long time. But since it is 2:45am, and since I am up, I figured I would share some of the thoughts that go through my head at night. How many people really stop and appreciate music? How many listen to the sounds of each instrument, the sound of the singers voice when it hits different keys, the meaning of the lyrics? I think of this mostly when I am listening to Ben Jelen sing "Come On", which in my personal opinion is one of the best love songs ever written. It's a song of love and desire and longing and all the things that so many people want to feel in their lives. What kind of parent am I? I feel as if I never spend enough time with my children. I could spend 24 hours a day with them, and it wouldn't be enough. I never knew what love was until the first time I held my son in my arms less than a minute and a half after he was born. I never knew fear until I was told my daughter couldn't breathe after her birth and spent the night in an oxygen tent. I never knew true emotion until I had children. I now understand what my parents were talking about everytime they said "you won't get it until you have kids of your own". Is there anything I can do to change the world? There is so much going on right now, even as I type this. Right now, at this second, either while I type or while you read, someone is dying. Someone is being born, saying their first word, falling in love, losing their virginity, getting married, leaving their spouse, getting beaten, mourning, praying, praising, and celebrating. With all that going on, what can I do to change this big rock we are all on for the better? Why did my first marriage fail? Is there anything I could have done to save it? Would I have wanted to save it? If my first marriage didn't fail, then I wouldn't have my daughter or Josh, and that's more important, therefore after a while of pondering, I realize that everything truly does happen for a reason. Should I go to college? Should I go to beauty school? Should I get my GED? Should I stop thinking now? Should I go to bed? What am I going to do with my life? Do people like me or do they tolerate me? How long will it be until someone hurts me? I love life and I love my friends. I put on the confidence facade just as well as anyone else, but when it comes down to it, I just want the security of love from people. To know that there will always be someone there. And the thought that dominates my head the most while I sit at my computer or watch tv or lie in bed staring at the ceiling: love and the pain that comes with it. I love my fiance'. We're not married and he's more of a husband to me than my ex-husband could have ever been. And he's not here. He's locked up in that jail, surrounded by thousands of miles of barbed wire and tons of concrete and I can't touch him. I have been without any emotional human contact for almost four months. It sounds like a short time, but I have not had touch from anyone. It's one sense I took for granted and it's the one sense I crave the most. I can see him, I do every Saturday. I can hear him, he calls everyday. I can smell him, his clothes and deodorant are in my room. But I can't touch him, and he can't touch me. And that's pain. And that's probably what keeps me up at night. I want to thank you for reading my late night ramblings. I am sure that they are not as interesting put down in words as they are in my head, but I wanted to share. I wanted to tell everyone a few things. Appreciate the music you hear. Love your children with all you can. Realize what is going on every second of everyday and try to change the world in some way. Understand that everything happens for a reason. Let life flow, sometimes the answers come to you. Admit your faults and you'll be stronger for it. Appreciate love and everything that comes with it. And the biggest thing one could learn from this... sleep. Because when you stay up too late you wind up writing everything you feel down somewhere, just to get it out of your head. ------------ About the author L.J. Chapman: I am 24 years old and I live in Massachusetts with my two children. I am going to be getting married to my fiance' Josh, in October of 2005. I have written several poems for poetry.com and I am in the middle of writing my first novel "The Checkered Blanket" which is a work of fiction. Email: bipolar_bear80@hotmail.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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