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Aug 26, 2004 As your honest candidate, one who promises to sell himself to the highest bidder I feel I must make it clear that I am both liberal and conservative. Yes, I can spend money like a drunken sailor. Spending money like a drunken sailor is something I learned while I was a child off being a drunken sailor, and I can take money from places that swear they have no more money to give, just like the government. That is my liberal/conservative bent. I remember one time, years ago, I asked my father for a few bucks, he said he had no more until he got paid but I found that he did indeed have ten in his wallet which I liberated when mom said to look in his wallet. I of course found that by applying the two pronged strategy was best, covering my self because mom said it was ok after the old man said he had none he really had no complaint. This is the model the government uses. Let’s lower their taxes and raise our fees. People are squeezed but some actuary or statistician says there is more out there and the government comes and finds it by raising fees. “Your taxes are three goats and two sheep, last year it was four goats and six sheep.” “But sir, I have none more to give; my family will go hungry…” “YOUR TAXES ARE THREE GOATS AND TWO SHEEP. You must learn to manage your herd better, I see five chickens over in the yard, the king will have them, and you can owe us the rest later with a penalty and administrative costs.” So here is my conservative statement; government should get almost all of the way out of my pocketbook…providing only garbage pick up and national defense. My taxes should then drop to about 8% of what they are now, or would be if I was working and if my wife was working. But even Wal-Mart won’t hire us; I because I am a medical liability and my wife because she is not trained to push shopping carts in the parking lot. When I am elected I will remove government from some of the things it deems worthy, for example there will be no more slug research. Who cares, except for some grant sucking liberal in academia how and when they reproduce, leave it be enough to know the slimy things do it. The pork barrel will drain and I will re-allocate the money to things that are necessary; items such as toppling the Government of Monaco and improving the benefit plan for the top two percent of your government. While I am employed here on the conservative portion of this statement let me say that I am qualified to run one of the true functions of government; that is national defense. You ask how is that I am qualified seeing as I have previously stated I was but a seventeen year old sailor on an old WWII class destroyer that did nothing more than roam up and down the East Coast of the United States? Simple, I play POGO. (www.pogo.com) For those of you here who do not know what that is, it is an online game site with a wide variety of strategy games. It is a free site but has a pay portion also; I have at this site accumulated well over two million points. These points while essentially useless do indicate my skill at the strategy of the games. I particularly like Rocket Mania, unfortunately rocket Mania is counter to my own goal of self fulfillment because the points you get are wiped out when the game is over but…it does give me great practice at pushing THE button. Sending multiple rockets off at the same time is a major feat and one I have gotten quite good at; just like a Liberal Conservative should be. (See: History; Bush G.H., Clinton, W.J and, Bush G.W) As an aside I did one time win more than points at POGO…you guessed it, it was a twenty five dollar Wal-Mart gift card. As your write in candidate for every office on every ballot in the nation I feel your pain, and I must continue to be honest with you my floc… uhhh constituents. I was born a liberal. A working social worker mother and a working engineer father, who like all peace keeping husbands did what his wife told him to do; which was be liberal. He was. I was brought up to think about others and their plight before I did any action that would allow me to get ahead on someone else’s misery. This has been a hard idea to overcome; it is something ingrained from birth so I promise you that as soon as I am taken care of for life I will see to your needs. Yet all of that training has its effect and I notice while reading useless stuff here at LCRLC headquarters there is an overwhelming amount of Kerry bashing and not enough G.W bashing. This doesn’t have to stop yet in all fairness even the conservative members of the LCRLC party should be able to see that their horse is running on three legs at best. It makes no difference though because I am certain all thinking people of whatever ideological twist want me for their leader but… Bush went to war against a sovereign who defied him, using the excuse of immanent threat and danger from stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction. It turns out that while the boob of Baghdad was stealing billions from his treasury he had no current weapons and was only ensuring that his retirement account was fat; a sign of a good politician no matter the nation. Bush decided to go to war with to few troops, poorly equipped in personal safety devices, (read bullet proof vests and humvee armor) to control the country. Was there ever a doubt that the repressed population would need controlling? Or is it that everyone thought we would be hailed the conquering heroes and all of those pent up emotions would just transform like magic into peace and prosperity? Who was the dunderhead who suggested we divert from the hunt for bin Laden in the first place? I don’t think it was any previous administration. No matter, we are there now and still not handling things well. We have turned over the administration of Iraq to a fledgling government that is not trusted by them they supposedly rule. There are outside pressures from both secular and theocratic governments to get the upper hand in a “sovereign Iraq” and most importantly our children are still dieing because the administration say’s they should. Would a President Kerry or Gore have done things differently? Maybe…maybe not, the days and months after 9/11 were tragic and confused. We wanted retribution, resolution and to be free from terror and at the time were willing to pay a price for it. Would Kerry or Gore have gone to war with Iraq or would they have focused the nation on Afghanistan and stayed focused on it until there was a killing or capture of the American trained bin Laden? We will never know. There are other things to question the current president about, things like treaties and accords he has taken this country out of and things like the continued loss of American jobs to other countries and the helping of American based companies do this with impunity. He needs to be asked about a tax cut that amounted to around nine hundred million being pumped into the economy while we spend a hundred billion or better in Iraq, so they can have gasoline at five cents a gallon. And other deeper issues like the psyche of the people. Prior to 9/11 people had faith in the future and the leader of the nation took that moment to instill fear, fear of terrorists and fear of our neighbors, fear for our income, fear for our health as a nation and as individuals and most importantly fear of everything but fear. As your leader I may not be able to heal the things I will inherit from the current administration but there is still POGO and I will see to it that every American has an account there. It may not make things better but it is a nicer distraction than worry. Oh yeah, I voted for Reagan twice, and have split my ticket more often than not. So before all you Bush supporters came after me remember when I am leader… ------------ About the author: Mark C. Durfee is an independent conservative liberal hedonist Christian Bhuddist deveotee of Krishna who follows no crowds and who thinks that the Viagra commercial with Freddy Mercury singing while a bunch of men dance is funny. His novels are nothing like his articles and they cannot be found at Barnes and Noble or Walden books, Amazon.com or your local independent bookstore because he has not been discovered. His favorite saying is "Duck!!! That drive-by may have your name on it!" Email: mcd5255@hotmail.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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