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Aug 20, 2004 Now that I am off the road I can begin practicing for the real job of holding office. I can learn how to take vacations and dress down while I am tending the Durfee livestock and looking good for the cameras of reporters who will be kept a very respectful quarter mile away. I mean the reporters are riff-raff too, even if they don’t hold up protest signs. They do shout pesky questions and expect succinct sound bite answers. I can be both succinct and biting but I am on vacation after a hard three weeks of thinking about the other candidates and the pending war with Monaco; that sapper of American gambling revenues. Lest any here at this base of operations for the Liberal Conservative Left Right and Center party (still known as the load of crap party {still not an acronym}) I am running for office. I encourage you to allow me to sell myself to the highest bidder and set myself up for life, with pension and medical benefits by writing my name in on every line of every ballot in every state, municipality and burg in the nation. You should do this because I am the only honest candidate out there, the only one who actually is telling you what I will do when I am elected; elected by popular write in votes of you My Load of Crap constituency. But for now I am going on vacation, not because I need a rest, the duties of office follow everywhere I go but to practice looking good for the camera’s while doing chores. My doing chores...well let me be honest, they are sound bite chores except there will be no sound only three second pictures of me chopping wood and toting water from the well to let the family Jack Russell terrier have a drink. I have decided to keep the microphones away during these exertions because I don’t want you to hear me wheezing and grunting as I turn the faucet on or pick up the ax. The things I have to do to maintain an image. I was going to bicycle down a hill but rather than look foolish by falling over the handle bars and having a secret service agent put Spiderman band aids on my skinned knees, my manager (the aforementioned terrier) has vetoed that. Instead opting for familiar scenes of what a vacationing leader would look like if he did not have servants to do it all for him. I have a wife and am used to having her do it all for me but when she is the first lady she will have to find other things to occupy herself with. That’s what the taxpayer dollars are for, taking care of me and I promise I will use as many of them as I can in that more than worthy endeavor. One hundred twenty years ago there were a total of thirteen employees’ in the White House; today there are more than twenty three hundred. I promise to continue that trend by adding more, there will be no double duty. The person who trims the rose bushes in the rose garden will not cart off the trimmings. There will be a trimming carter offer to take care of that. In this manner I will promote a lower unemployment rate and use up a few more tax dollars. Tax dollars I will not raise by raising tax dollars but will instead shift from the care and comfort of groups like veterans and the elderly/disabled. Those groups suck down way to many tax dollars as it is. If granny needs more food, she can just go ahead and cart off some rose trimmings. I hear they make good salad or tea. Much has been made of late of my opponent’s records in some war or other way back in time. Forget about it. Trying to get a congressman elected is at least as hazardous as getting shot at on some river cruise. The congressman was running for office in the southern portion of the country and the young fella trying to get him elected was from Connecticut and a graduate of Yale so I am pretty certain the good folks down there met him at the door with a shot gun. How much more hazardous could the duty have been? The other candidate was driving his little speed boat in the southern portion of Viet Nam and he too was greeted at the door with weaponry. So where is the difference in their service? They both faced down the barrel of a gun. They both survived to come back home and take up the cause of getting themselves into the halls of money and power. I on the other hand have no war record, I enlisted in ’72 and went where the government told me to go, ( I was only seventeen and not running for office yet)so I went to an old ship that did nothing more than cruise up and down the eastern seaboard looking for Russian subs and hurricanes. We never found the former and I was near washed overboard by one of the latter but I received no chest ribbon for it; only a broken elbow and a metal screw; a screw which is a medal of sorts even if I couldn’t get it out to throw it back. That experience though qualifies me to lead the foreign policy of the nation. A foreign policy that will focus on the despicable nation of Monaco and the tyrant there; the king whose national policy is bleeding gambling dollars from what is rightfully the gambling capital of the world that is the good old US of A. We will re- align all American forces from their stance of the cold war and invade Monaco to liberate those dollars back to their rightful place, our casinos’ and race tracks. Yet I find myself digressing to the past and the future, a past when I was nothing but an American service man and a future when with your assistance I will be kin...uhh...president. So write me in, take your pen and do the nation a favor by putting into office an honest man. A man who promises you, I will come away rich and worthy of a place in history. Do this for me and my future. You will feel good about it later; sometime after I come back from vacation. Thank you for your support. ------------ About the author: Mark C. Durfee is an independent conservative liberal hedonist Christian Bhuddist deveotee of Krishna who follows no crowds and who thinks that the Viagra commercial with Freddy Mercury singing while a bunch of men dance is funny. His novels are nothing like his articles and they cannot be found at Barnes and Noble or Walden books, Amazon.com or your local independent bookstore because he has not been discovered. His favorite saying is "Duck!!! That drive-by may have your name on it!" Email: mcd5255@hotmail.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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