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Apr 15, 2004 As I sit here drinking my super-sized beverage and eating some awesome killer fried chicken strips, I happen to notice that I am writing in the present tense. This is really interesting given that by the time anyone reads this, it’s going to be in the past. But that’s not really important because it deals with time travel, which has nothing to do with this article. No, what’s important here is the new article the AP (Associated Proctology—er, I mean Associated Press) has released about McDonald’s offering new healthy food. What is most interesting in said article is the quote from Michael Jacobson of the Center for Science in the Public Interest. I didn’t even know we had a center for science, let alone one in the public interest. I can only assume that by “interest” they mean the same thing the credit card company means, so we can look for our bill in the mail. But whatever else it is, it sounds politically related, which by definition therefore means it is non-partisan, completely objective, and you can totally trust everything say. So what did Jacobson say from the all-knowing C.f.S.i.t.P.I.? “If McDonald's wanted to improve the public's health, in addition to providing the salads and bottled water it could stop using partially hydrogenated oils in its fries, which contain trans fats and are a powerful promoter of heart disease. They also could lower the fat content of their burgers, use lowfat cheese, provide more baked food instead of fried food and lower the sodium content of their foods.” As I continue eating my fried chicken strips, I have to say that I find this very interesting. McDonald's wants to improve the public’s health? I thought they sold junk food, not medical supplies. Then again, I do not have my own Center for Science in the Public Interest, so I must be missing something. That doesn’t mean I’m not concerned though, and concern is important because it’s easier to be concerned than actually doing something. In fact, I was so concerned that when I went to a non-McDonald's restaurant to get my fried chicken strips, I actually intended to have lowfat cheese on a lowfat burger with baked, unsalted fries. Unfortunately, these items were not on the menu (presumably because this non- McDonald's restaurant wanted to make a profit), so I was forced against my will to buy food that tasted better than the container it came in. The truth of the matter is that McDonald's does have a good reason to be offering such things as salads and bottled water even though they know no one wants to buy them. It’s called lawyers, and they are hazardous to everyone’s health, especially if you make more than $5.35 an hour. Lawyers, you see, provide a vital key to the functioning of the universe: they assign blame to everyone except the responsible parties. It is therefore no wonder that there are lawyers on the so-called 9/11 Emission seeking to blame Bush, Disney’s The Alamo, and Cheech Marin for the attack on New York City, when in fact the only people to blame are the Wright Brothers. Lawyers are the only ones with enough experience at assigning blame to accomplish this vital task that coincidentally and for no intentional reason is occurring just in the nick of time for Kerry to be elected. Naturally, pointing this information out to you could be cause for concern seeing how lawyers might be literate. As such, I must state that I am not responsible for the content of this article, since I was not the inventor of the English language, nor my computer, nor the internet where this article can be read. Therefore, the people to blame for this article are none other than the Brits, Bill Gates, and Al Gore. Also, it’s McDonald's fault since I am under the influence of fried chicken strips as I write this, and they have failed in their responsibility to keep me healthy by allowing me to freely decide to purchase and consume fried products, even at a restaurant that was not McDonald's because McDonald's is required to improve the public’s health; which also means McDonald's is practicing medicine without a license, and this is also bad because, as in all good lawyerly tactics such as the one I use here, this sentence is a run-on sentence. I look forward to my multi-billion dollar settlement. ------------ About the author: Peter Pike lives in Colorado Springs (amazingly located in Colorado) where he is a semi- productive member of society, except during the Stanley Cup Playoffs. His website is located at PeterPike.com and is in no way affiliated with McDonald's. Email: peter@peterpike.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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