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Apr 8, 2004 If you build a better rat trap, someone will build a better rat. Last week, scientists at Baylor College of Medicine in Waco, Texas, succeeded against all odds in completely mapping the genetic code for rats. That's right, Mr. and Mrs. America -- your tax dollars have made it possible for scientists now to make more rats! If you thought our nation had plenty of rats already, you are obviously not a scientist. By the way, the white lab-coated beaker-polishers say that this genetic breakthrough will make humans healthier. Call me old-fashioned, but trying to make humans healthier by making more rats is like curing asthma by making more dust. I read a couple of years ago that Washington, D.C., had two rats for every resident... they call it the Senate, but that's a rat tale for another day. Being a rat geneticist must be a tough job. I can envision one of them, rising early in the pre- dawn hours like that guy from the old Dunkin Donuts commercials, saying "It's time to make the rats." Later, still in his housecoat and slippers, sitting in his rain-drenched car, sputtering "It's time to make the rats!" Terriers are probably ecstatic about rat production, but I'm not. Rats are among humanity's worst enemies. They rummage through our trash, they eat our cheese and they spread disease like it's going out of style. Anyone remember the bubonic plague? Rats killed half of Europe without even breaking stride. Most probably don't even remember it. For rats, the Black Death was just another day at the office. If it wasn't for that Pied Piper fellow, the Earth might be like Planet of the Apes -- only with rats in charge. In fact, the movie would probably star Ratty McDowell or Taily Savalas. Scientists already have a genetic map of mice and of humans. This is why you almost never hear them ask "Are you a man or a mouse?" because they already know. They just have to do some genetic triangulation, make a computer model, squirt multi-colored liquids into test tubes and voila! Scientists can tell you what you are. More than likely you're a man and not a mouse, because mice rarely ask such stupid questions. Also, when genome maps are constructed, scientists then go about tweaking this protein cluster, or that DNA strand, just to see what happens. You can't learn to play the harp without plucking some strings. They'll give you a fancy explanation about how it is important to learn how the amino acids in the DNA double-helix interact, but they secretly want to create a 60- foot-tall rat that will raze a city. They did it with a small lizard that eventually tore through Japan like it was papier machier Hollywood set. In fact, there is a big rat roaming through New York calling himself Bill Clinton. None of us are safe if giant rats are allowed to roam unfettered. On second thought, maybe this is part of the President's war on terrorism. Growing large violent rats that can be airdropped into hot spots like Iraq's Suuni Triangle would stop unrest immediately. Later, the rat could be stopped by a couple of well-placed armor piercing rounds from an American M1-A tank and used to feed the world's hungry. Opponents will surely call it a vast "rat-wing" conspiracy, but we can just feed those people to the giant rats. Everyone wins! In sum, we should thank our four-eyed labcoat- wearing friends for their foresightedness. Without taxpayer-funded research into the genetics of rats, America would be a boring place obsessed only with curing cancer, building moon bases and fixing Social Security. ------------ About the author: Doug Hecox is a syndicated columnist, author and stand-up comedian. He has entertained readers and audiences throughout the United States for nearly ten years. For more information about Doug, visit him at DougFun.com. Email: doug@dougfun.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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