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Apr 26, 2004 Thanks to cellphones, wireless Internet, radio and other broadcast media blasting data through the air at all hours of the day, information is whizzing all around us. So much so, in fact, it's a miracle we get any work done. An intriguing bit of information landed in my ear this weekend -- by then already six months old -- dealt with scientists studying the innermost reaches of our galaxy. I say "innermost" because, despite our name-brand clothing, expensive coffee drinks and sport utility vehicles, we humans live in the galactic equivalent of West Virginia. We're waaaay out on the fringe. This is why so much of our bottled water is imported. As was reported by the BBC and a host of science journals last September, astrophysicists -- using NASA’s Chandra X-ray Observatory -- detected a black hole about 250 million light-years away. Einstein predicted their existence, but never saw one. This is because black holes are not easy to see. Then how do scientists find a black hole, you might ask? First, they get expensive, government-funded devices, like satellite telescopes and 80-mile underground supercolliders, and then they look around. When they don't see anything, that's it. They've found a black hole. Clearly, astrophysics is a pretty good racket to be in. By the way, the astrophysicists have invented something else to discover which they call "dark matter." By all accounts, it is what all the nothing that they keep finding is made of. Finding something that isn’t there is a feat, but those wily astrophysicists actually went the extra light year. They determined that it is emitting a low tone. A B-flat, actually. They say the black hole has been humming a B-flat -– the lowest note ever recorded -- for 2.5 billion years. Scientists can't cure cancer, but they can find music in the heavens. The discovery of a B-flat black hole has prompted the astrophysics community to search high and low for black holes that play other notes -- perhaps so they can form a band. This is perfectly sensible. Richard Sterban, the yuppie-looking bass in the Oak Ridge Boys, reached similarly low tones and made a fortune. Clearly, there is a market for low notes and, while a band of black holes might not tour much, their album sales surely would do well. Black holes have immeasurably strong gravitational pulls, and Americans love musical groups that suck. Just ask N'Sync or Destiny’s Child. Also, the existence of a super-low note constantly being played very likely explains why international tensions have been so high throughout the centuries. If you've ever worked with an annoying guy in the office who hums while he works, or know someone who hums in the elevator or while they're driving, you know how distracting it is before it becomes annoying. Once they know you despise them for it, they keep on doing it. They start doing it just to annoy you. Tempers flare and, pretty soon, you're up on charges for "hummicide." I'm not a lawyer, of course, but stranger things have happened. With a subliminal B-flat note permeating the universe for the last two billion years, how can any of us not have been affected by it? This is why all us humans -- from the Mongols to the Red Army, from Hannibal to Hamas -- have been so irritable. Despite our efforts to keep smiling and to be nice to our fellow Man, we have a universe full of black holes driving us crazy with super-low humming. For world peace, we shouldn't send armies into battle. Instead, we should give earplugs to everyone because black holes just won't shut up, no matter how nicely you ask. Black holes are hard of listening. It’s not that they aren’t listening, of course. It’s just that your suggestions go in one ear and are compressed into subatomic particles by the gravity of a million suns. For any of you who think earplugs AREN'T the solution to international strife, I won't hear of it. If the black holes won’t stop humming, something else must be done. Ears to international peace! ------------ About the author: Doug Hecox is an accomplished stand-up comedian whose work has appeared in everything from Reader's Digest to the Washington Monthly. His latest book, "Graze Expectations," is available widely. For more information, visit Doug at www.dougfun.com. Email: doug@dougfun.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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